An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
The idea of taking a “gap year” – born of the independence of the post-war 60s generation that challenged themselves to create a life different from their parents – has come a long way in 70 years. Since the new millennia, it’s been taken up by parents and young people alike who have lived through the accelerating pace of the new world order – and see little chance for such an extended pause once they start college and forge fledgling careers.
The text arrives, our blood pressure elevates, our tweens and teens want an immediate response, and all of a sudden we are down the rabbit hole. There is a better way. This three step response ensures our kids feel heard, but creates space for thoughtful engagement at the appropriate time.
Why would any parent be grateful for difficult situations that cause our children to struggle, have their feelings hurt, or even fail? According to a growing body of research, just about every parent on the planet should be. Psychologists and researchers have demonstrated that what differentiates kids, what helps them to develop the resilience and “grit” so crucial to navigating modern life, is learning how to deal with the challenges and tough times that are central to the human experience.
If you’re the parents of a high-school junior, right about now your family is gearing up for the trip to crazy town that is the modern college-selection process. Determining the right set of colleges to apply to when senior year rolls around can be harrowing if you follow the crowd and fixate on securing a spot at one of the elite schools that only a teeny-tiny fraction of applicants achieve.
As an alternative, I offer the Dana Hirt Promise: You can help your child navigate (and master) the process with relative ease – and distance yourself from its nuttier aspects – by following three key rules:
Rule #1. Understand that crafting the perfect resume guarantees nothing…except potentially an overwhelmed, burned out kid.
Rule #2. Empower your teen to take the reins.
Rule #3. Make “fit” – not college ranking -- the focus of the selection process.
Bonus Advice: Consider this recommendation you may find surprising.
Rule #1 is self-explanatory – and I implore you to take it to heart. Why? Because much of the time, the college admissions process is an exceedingly subjective and arbitrary one. Idiosyncratic and institution-specific, there’s just no way to game the system. This is not to say that achievement of all kinds in high school is not important. Naturally good grades, club involvement, leadership activities and all the rest are great! They just don’t guarantee acceptance letters.
Rule #2 is a win-win-win. First, empowering teens to take the reins of the college investigation and selection process gives them the opportunity to work to the limit of their developmental ability on a long-term, multi-faceted endeavor.
The second win is this: The more students have a voice and vote in determining the schools they apply to (and ultimately attend), the better their chance of success. In my personal and professional experience, students who had a true say in their college selection had a higher tolerance for the tough times that inevitably surface during a college career.
Lastly, parents win by keeping your family off the roller-coaster. Your role, strategically, is to help your teen develop a structure for the project and offer guardrails when he veers off course.
Here’s the most important rule of all: Leverage your experience and expertise by helping everyone keep their eyes on the prospective student’s temperament, interest and abilities – the essentials for Rule #3’s all-important idea – “FIT.”
Considering there are approximately 3,000+ 4-year colleges and universities in the United States alone, finding the right schools to apply to is a daunting task.
But not if you and your teen put ‘fit’ at the top of your agenda.
Parents and teens alike need to ignore the plethora of lists that rank a university’s cache and desirability and focus on FIT. Here are the most fundamental and personal criteria:
Personality and interests. Challenge your high schooler to write down the key aspects of their personality and interests. After outlining their temperament, interests, and wants and needs, the things that matter in this category are setting (suburban, rural or city-based); geography (distance / ease of travel home); social scene (love Greek life or hate it?); and culture (religious school, traditional institution, liberal/conservative). Campus visits are hugely instructive when it comes to finding a school that “fits.” I remember my eldest son was on one campus for just 10 minutes before he knew it wasn’t for him. The school he eventually went to? He felt “at home” immediately. Empower kids to trust their instincts and ‘listen’ to how they feel on campus.
Make campus visits more economical by viewing “like” campuses closer to home. For example, a large state university campus looks and feels a lot like all the others (flora and weather aside) – certainly enough alike to give your teen a sense of what to expect. Likewise with a technical college. Better to save your traveling dollars for specialized schools, as well as those your child has a strong interest in.
Academic interests. When kids know what degree they’re after, then the smartest option is to pick the schools with the best academic department in that field that he or she can get into – even if the school’s overall ranking is lower. If your teen is unsure of a major, consider Malcolm Gladwell’s theory of “relative deprivation,” which he describes in his book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants. From a college admissions standpoint, the theory purports that students who end up in the top 10% of a lesser-tier school fare much better than those who end up at the bottom 30% of a top-tier school they just squeaked into.
Money. Finances are always a part of the equation. That’s why I advocate looking far beyond the top 100 schools to the expansive range of options that will better fit your teen – and likely, be more affordable. Ultimately, your teen’s choices of where to apply will come down to the best combination of fit and finances.
A Few Additional Tips
I googled “college selection process” and immediately received about 10 million hits. Who’s got that kind of time? In addition to you and your teen asking a trusted few who’ve been through the process for their preferred resources and favorite websites, here are a few of mine:
· Given the ratio of students to guidance counselor at public high schools, many parents pop for an independent consultant to aid the search
· Many parents, myself included, consider College Confidential an invaluable resource. Check out their parents’ forum.
· Education First’s Explore America website provides a thorough overview of the college visit
· The Fiske Guide to Colleges is also a must-read resource
And finally, the promised…
Bonus Advice
Consider the value of a gap year. I outline the many benefits of a gap year and how it can be important for a teen’s development in my blog post on HuffPost, but if you’re time-stretched, here are the highlights:
· It will help your child become more independent, resilient and capable of weathering and thriving during high times and low
· Most colleges will accept deferrals for a gap year – and will even defer scholarships
· The benefits of expanding one’s world view are immeasurable
It may be a tad bumpy, but enjoy this ride. Trust me – your nest will be empty before long.
The best way to stay parenting-steady no matter who’s offering “help” is to establish your own values to parent by. To do this, you and your partner will need to have a conversation – most likely a series of them -- on the values that will govern how you raise your kids.
Here’s an analogy: If you were married within any kind of religious tradition, you likely had to meet with a spiritual advisor to be sure you and your partner were aligned on the core values that impact marriage. You likely covered topics like religion, sex, money, kids, personal ambitions and goals. After all, who wants to find out after you’re married that you and your spouse have radically opposing expectations you can’t possibly reconcile?
Aligning around parenting values takes a similar approach. By reflecting on and discussing your core parenting values in key areas, you’ll have a baseline for a crucial discussion and, eventually, a blueprint by which you can raise your family.
The official commemoration of Grandparent’s Day is the Sunday after Labor Day, but most grandparents will tell you that every day is grandparent’s day if you’re lucky enough to be one!
I suspect you’ve heard (or said!) some variant of this: “I know I’m biased, but my granddaughter / grandson is one of the smartest / most creative / most coordinated / most [you-name-it!] child I have ever known.”
It’s a great job if and when you get it – and everyone benefits from intergenerational relationships. Let me enumerate the benefits first…and then I’ll share a few tips for hanging on to this plum assignment!
Values of GrandParenting
The Job Description Can’t Be Beat.
Hands down, the #1 reason grandparenting is so great is that you get all the fun of being a parent without any of the responsibilities! Revel in your special role as cheerleaders, spoilers, supporters and bestowers of unconditional love.
You Get to Share Your History and Passions
Grandchildren, particularly as they grow up, look to grandparents for their perspectives and advice. So share your values, your family history and what life was like for you at their age.
Share your passions, too. My parents are great art lovers and collectors, and they’ve shared this with my kids both in terms of cultural outings and gifts of art. Of course my kids appreciate the inherent value of the works, but they truly treasure being a part of their grandparents’ legacy.
Even so, it’s not the “stuff” grandparents give; it’s the connection. My mom always sent my kids little things to let them know she was thinking of them. Pinecones she collected on a walk…a random purchase on the street…a funny postcard. My kids loved receiving it all.
The Gifts (of Health) Keep On Giving
Being a grandparent can help older adults stay active, which often translates to better health. There are mental health benefits as well.
One study demonstrates that women who spent one day a week caring for young grandchildren may have a lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disorders. Another studied examined the link between quality grand-parenting relationships and depression and found that if the relationship is a high-quality one and support is mutual, both grandparents and grandchildren experience reduced incidence of depression.
You Can Help Out When / If You Want
Many grandparents have the economic freedom to defray education or medical costs for their grandchildren. If you have the means and want to help, it’s a great feeling. And typically there aren’t any negative tax consequences. My children and I are grateful for the college tuition assistance and also recognize my Dad’s commitment to their education.
When it comes to your time, it’s up to you to set limits based on your energy and availability.
How to Keep the Gig!
Let Parents Rule.
Parents have a major role to play in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in that they set the rules and determine the consequences for the moral and ethical education of their kids.
One grandmother I know has the right approach. She says she always lets her daughter and son-in-law make the parenting rules – and she never shares her opinion on anything except to admire it. “I might not always agree with them, but my opinions are not on the table. The kids are their responsibilities to raise and our responsibility to love.”
Adopt the Right Tone.
Don’t be judgmental. Your grandkids will experiment with tons of things that may be foreign to you. Unless your grandkids are into something dangerous, keep your opinions to yourself. Respect and honor their choices about food, hairstyles, clothing, etc. Unsolicited advice or commentary is often heard as criticism and may be alienating.
p.s. Don’t be hurt by the occasional sassy comment. Kids can be insensitive, but it’s often age-appropriate and not intended to be rude or disrespectful.
Learn to Use Technology.
If grandparents want to have full access to their grandkids, they have to get proficient with the technology their grandchildren are using. My kids never listen to voicemails, so my Mom knows that if she wants to get in touch, she needs to text them. And while Facebook may be the preferred social media for baby boomers, their teen and tween grandkids are much more apt to use Instagram or Snapchat.
Stay Involved.
Don’t always wait for an invite. Offer to help by taking the kids out for an afternoon if you’re local or for a visit if you’re long-distance. Other ways to stay involved is to gift parents with a cleaning service or a spa afternoon. Remember how overwhelming it was for you as new parents and do something you might have appreciated.
But don’t keep score on who is contacting whom. If you want to stay engaged with your grandchildren, reach out to them.
Make Your Home Welcoming
A kid-friendly home makes visiting much less stressful for everyone. Make a quick sweep around the house to remove breakables and irreplaceables. If possible, borrow, rent or buy things like strollers, pack-n-plays, high chairs and even bikes so your kids don’t have to schlep them. And stock some fun toys and children’s books.
What if there aren’t any grandparents in the picture, either by death or lack of interest?
Building a tribe is always the best solution – even when grandparents are in the picture. One friend of mine, who regularly volunteered at a senior center, unofficially 'adopted' grandparents for her kids.
If you’re the type that would like a more detailed primer on how to be the perfect grandmother or grandfather, check out the American Grandparents Association for resources, tips and other perks.
Either way, enjoy the best job in the world!
Aack! I woke up on August 1st and faced the reality that for the first time in 23 years, I won’t have any children living at home beginning September 15th.
My “baby” graduated from high school June 2017, so come back-to-school season, there will be no breakfasts to make, no lunches to pack, no sporting events to attend, no teacher conferences to schedule, no band concerts to buy tickets to, no cookie dough to sell…
What’s a mom to do?!?
Nothing, actually.
That’s the aim of parenting. Our job is to get them ready to leave; to help create launchable people. So I’m proud.
I’m fortunate in that things have gone more or less according to plan, with all three of my kids doing what they want to be doing. My oldest just moved to another city to start his first job. My middle one will head back to college. My youngest will set off on his gap year. And I will have an empty nest.
No first day of school for this mom. Starting very soon, I will be waking up for me alone. I will still be a parent, but a different type of parent, one who is much less hands-on.
I have been thoughtful about positioning myself – and them – for this moment. When I transitioned to high school mom, I stopped being their alarm clock. They got themselves to and from school. They scheduled their own haircuts and made their own plans. When I transitioned to gap year and college mom, I didn’t always know where they were. They booked their own travel, chose their own classes, managed their own time. That was intentional.
I also made sure I built a full life for myself– as more than a mom. But truth is, my favorite job is this mom gig. I relished each phase of their development, and I never guessed (or didn’t let myself think) it would be over so soon.
I realize I’m not the only parent facing this. If you have been a stay-at-home-mom or dad, how do you redefine your life when your purpose has been taking care of children? Take some advice from this mom…plan ahead. It may seem like it is way in the future, but it will feel like it arrives as quickly as tomorrow.
Step back. Allow your kids more autonomy and more responsibility. Build your life: volunteer, consider a new career, get engaged in your community, become an activist. Our world needs more amazing people like you!
Get ready, folks. They will leave. But that’s the goal.
It’s still really hard to see them go. So while my nest may be empty September 2017 –I’ll have a full heart forever.
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
William W. Purkey
I totally agree with Mr. Purkey’s sage counsel. Yet from a parenting perspective, I think his ditty is missing an important line:
“Make parenting decisions like no one’s opinion matters.”
Mixing booze and high school graduation parties may not be a dilemma for all parents, but it sure has become one for me this year.
Actually, let me clarify “dilemma.”
I’m super clear about how I feel about alcohol. I’m not in favor. It’s one of my core values (parenting and otherwise). I don’t judge lawful adults who do imbibe; it’s just not for me.
I’m similarly confident when I assert that drinking is not appropriate or beneficial for young people. In fact, it can be quite dangerous physically and psychologically to them and those around them.
I heartily agree with every one of the “27 Reasons NOT to Serve (or turn a blind eye to) Alcohol at High School Graduation Parties” outlined by Seddon R. Savage, MS, MD and Director of the Dartmouth Center on Addiction and Recovery (and parent of 3).
Then there’s this: Drinking is against the law for those under the age 21, (although there are exceptions).
Trust me, the blinders are off. As an educational therapist and mom parenting in the 21st century, I understand that many high schoolers experiment with drinking – and most college students make a habit of it. But it’s still not something I support or condone.
My own three kids (18, 20 and 23) seem to have a normative relationship with alcohol, drinking in ways I deem responsible. It’s still not ideal from my perspective, but I respect and trust their judgment about alcohol because they’ve given me every reason to do so.
So what, you may ask, is my dilemma?
With apologies in advance to my high school graduate, it is this:
He has been invited to a two-day, un-chaperoned and unsupervised beach house party seven (7) hours drive from home at which there could be up to 30 students – and plenty of booze.
I said No.
My son wasn’t happy. “Everyone is going,” he said. “I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to go!”
Naturally, he noted all the reasons I should let him attend.
1. He has never gotten overly intoxicated.
2. He has never had so much as one beer (and this is a hulking 6’, 200+pound guy) and gotten behind the wheel of a car.
3. He has never missed curfew.
4. He has never put himself in a dangerous situation.
5. He has always demonstrated good judgment around alcohol.
He’s right on all counts. While I know my son’s not perfect, all 5 points he made are completely true. But I’m not concerned about him overdrinking.
I’m concerned about the other 29, whose drinking habits, tolerances and values I don’t know.
I’m uncomfortable about the lack of responsible adults (read: parents) anywhere in the vicinity.
I’m uneasy about the distance from home.
I’m exceedingly worried about the proximity to water.
I’m keenly aware of the possible drama of a co-ed weekend trip.
As an adult, I know the potential for catastrophic problems is huge.
On top of all that, precisely because my son is so dependable and has such good judgment, I know he’s going to feel a sense of responsibility if something dangerous or problematic does unfold.
Of course, he’s hoping I change my mind.
The dilemma is that as much as I wish I could…as much as I don’t want him to “miss out” on what he believes is essential to feeling graduated…I have to adhere to my values.
But it’s not easy.
I’m a little surprised to find myself here. After all, I’m a parenting coach, an educational therapist and someone who has tons of parenting confidence. I’m not someone particularly susceptible to parental peer pressure. Yet still, I feel conflicted.
With all my heart I want him to go and be with his friends and celebrate his achievement. But given the conditions, I can’t keep him safe. And that’s still part of my job as his parent.
If I didn’t have to be out of the country that weekend, I actually would find a way to make it tolerable for me so that he could go. Namely, I would drive there and stay at a B&B so I would be nearby if problems arose.
But that’s not the case, so my answer must remain No.
Much to my surprise, a lot of parents are okay with parties like this beachfront fest. They will take turns chaperoning at similar fetes throughout the party season, and presumably watch underage kids consume alcohol.*
Call me old-fashioned, but is a party where drinking is central truly the only way to celebrate one’s high school graduation?
I’m afraid I don’t understand why our society has entwined celebration with alcohol so deeply that most people don’t believe you can do one without the other – even teenagers.
To prove just how binary the association is, my son turned down an offer from his stepmom to host a supervised-but-alcohol-free graduation party at her lake home – complete with swimming pool, tennis court and meals all weekend. “My friends wouldn’t come,” he said simply. Booze is that vital to their idea of fun.
As Dr. Savage so eloquently points out in #17:
· If there were no alcohol at ANY graduation parties…kids would be just as likely to laugh, dance, make-out, stay up all night, party and have a good time.
I agree.
So here’s my plea as June graduation season rolls around. Let’s all, as parents, “Just say No” to alcohol at graduation parties this year.
And let the fun begin.
* Unaware of the risk of serving alcohol to minors? These legal tips for parents hosting graduation parties are most assuredly worth a read
** UPDATE: After I wrote this piece, my son and his friends recognized that I was not the only parent to have serious concerns. Chaperones are now in place. Rules have been established. Carpools have been set. My son and I have discussed my fears; we have reviewed potential scenarios and anticipated consequences. He gets to have his celebration and I get to keep my peace of mind.
