How to Talk to Kids about Death

“Daddy, are you going to die?”

The question caught a client quite by surprise, particularly because it came from his three-year-old, inexplicably tucked right between story time and lights out. Dad gathered himself, acknowledged that one day he would die, but promised that it wouldn’t be for a long, long time. Apparently satisfied with that response, his daughter rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Death is a topic that kids of all ages are curious about beginning as young as preschool -- the classic age that the daily whirl of “Why” questions begins. Little kids are naturally inquisitive, which makes their matter-of-fact questions about death totally age appropriate.

Fielding questions about death can be difficult, to be sure. No parent wants their kids to feel burdened by the thought of one of them or another family member dying. But death is a part of life, and our children deserve to have their questions answered.

Kids aren’t the only one with the difficult questions about this topic; parents have tons of them. Here’s just a sampling:

·      How should I respond when my kids ask about death apropos of nothing?

·      Why are there so many cartoon and kid-movie characters with dead parents?

·      How should we deal with the death of a treasured pet?

·      When and how should we prepare our children for the eventual death of their beloved grandparents?

·      Is it too scary for kids to go to funerals?

·      How do we tell our kids about a serious diagnosis in a parent or close relative?

·      What do we say when someone dies by suicide or an overdose?

·      When should I worry about my child’s seeming obsession with death?

Then there’s the question sadly germane to the current global crisis:

·      How on earth do we reassure our kids when 651,000+ Americans and more than 4.54 million people worldwide died from COVID-19?

My basic premise for all the difficult questions kids ask, whether they’re about death…terrorism…or the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic is, first of all, be direct, honest and don’t use euphemisms. People don’t “pass away” or “go to a better place.” Phrases like that are not understandable to kids, especially young ones. The fact is, people and pets and strangers die, and kids want to know what that means, and if they have to worry about it affecting them and their family. So use age-appropriate language and don’t lie; you will die someday, so answer your children’s questions squarely and honestly. Reassurance is important; address their fears by telling them that usually people die when they’re old and since you take care of yourself, you hope to be around for a long, long time.

Another foundational principle is to be real and authentic. If someone in your family has died, you need to demonstrate that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about the loss. Make sure your kids know it’s okay to cry. Don’t deflect or distract them from their feelings; let them have their emotions. Not only is it much healthier emotionally than tamping them down, being aware of one’s emotional experience gives kids and parents alike the chance to manage them appropriately.

If your family practices a particular religion, let those traditions around death help you teach your kids about how to cope with loss. For all of us, kids included, it’s the rituals around death, religious or not, that help us process the loss and learn to live without our loved one. Don’t shortchange yourselves by bypassing the family gatherings, formal burial traditions and encouraging people to reminisce about the person who has died.

Should kids go to funerals? Certainly they should never be forced to go it they don’t want to. But if your child wants to go, be sure to have an exit strategy if they end up feeling uncomfortable or get anxious. If the funeral is for a close family member of yours, enlist a friend or other attendee to take care of your child if need be.

There are two other methods I remind parents about when kids ask tough questions. First, don’t presume they know more than they do. Before answering their query, reflect their questions back to them so you can understand what, exactly, they’re asking -- and why they’re asking it. It could be as devastating as having seen a disturbing news report about COVID deaths in your city or as innocent as being curious about a cemetery that the school bus passes by. Either way, knowing what prompted the question can help shape your response. If you don’t feel ready to answer a question, it’s ok to let your child know they asked a great question and that you are going to make some time later to sit down with them and answer it.

Second, answer only the question that is asked -- and do so in an age-appropriate manner. For example, if a parent or close relative gets diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, your youngest kids may simply ask why mommy is so tired all the time. So respond only to that concern because for school-aged kids, too much information can be overwhelming, With teens, who typically can sense when something serious is going on, you can be more forthcoming.

The death of a family pet can be tough on everyone because they’re a very meaningful part of family life. Yet it is also an object lesson, especially when parents create rituals around it to help kids handle it successfully. Have everyone present when you bury your pet or its ashes. Host a family gathering during which everyone talks about their favorite pet antics and warm moments. The death of a pet also ends up showing kids grief isn’t linear. When they get sad and cry about missing their beloved pet -- even weeks or months after the fact -- let them share their feelings and memories and reassure them that all is well.

Clearly, some types of deaths are harder for kids to understand than others. The death of a loved but elderly grandparent is sad of course, but if you’ve educated your kids that people die when they get old, it will make some sort of sense to them. But explaining why a young family member, friend or classmate died by suicide requires extra sensitivity. But as always, honest, age-appropriate language is key. Additional resources for parents include community grief therapists or groups, crisis hotlines and religious leaders.

Some kids, however, may be particularly affected in ways that go beyond the norm. If your child talks about death all the time, seems excessively worried about it, or has sleep disruption or other behavioral anomalies, check with a parenting coach or therapist for support and or referral.

Less urgent support is as close as your local library or independent bookstore. Many fantastic books have been written for kids that explain death, so take your pick and read them with your kids. Two great sources I like are a list on fatherly.com, as well as one that features newer books that help explain death. You may also want to peruse this list of films that tackle the subject of grief for kids from ages 6 and up.

One final plug here about why parents should take our kids questions seriously -- at any age and about any topic. It’s important to take our children’s naturally curiosity and their questions seriously, even it they make us uncomfortable. Lean in to their curiosity and allow the conversation to unfold. Just be sure you’ve addressed your own anxieties first so you don’t pass them on unwittingly.

Give Dads Their Due this Father's Day

In my Mother’s Day post last month, I noted the dramatic escalation in the workload and roles that mothers have been experiencing during the pandemic. Even though moms have long logged off from their professional stints only to clock in for a second shift of child- and household care -- the uptick during COVID is something from which few mothers (if any) have fully recovered.

This isn’t to say that the pandemic has been a cakewalk for dads, who experienced a different sort of sea change. Perhaps more accustomed to setting aside familial responsibilities (including the weighty mental load) once they crossed the threshold of their offices, factories or organizations, fathers who migrated home to work remotely were suddenly thrust into the chaos of upended family lives as schools and day cares closed and the country went on lockdown.

For starters, many dads got woke to the massive amounts of energy their wives and/or partners expend in myriad ways caring for the family. Fathers who lost their jobs and found themselves in an at-home parent role reversal learned this in a most immediate way.

From what I’ve heard anecdotally from friends and clients, however, most dads responded vigorously and helpfully to the vast amount of family responsibilities that required renegotiation during the pandemic:

·       who oversees schooling and after-school activities

·       how do daily chores get accomplished

·       how to deal with work meetings that could not be interrupted

·       which responsibilities and chores could (or should) be handed over to kids

·       tending to everyone’s anxiety and uncertainly around the virus

·       helping every family member cope with the abrupt isolation from loved ones, friends and beloved communities

Once the pandemic became a workaday reality, many dads discovered the benefits of parenting 24/7 far outweighed the rigors as this Harvard study found. Among my client base, for example, most dads appreciated the increase in family-centric experiences and traditions (weekly talent shows, dance parties and back-yard camping trips, for example) that made family members feel more connected. And huge numbers of fathers savored the increased opportunities to engage with their kids -- and vice versa.

One working-at-home dad spoke of his 3rd grader who, having learned more about his day job running a college writing center, figured out he could come in mighty handy, especially as her homework had begun to include more writing assignments! Plus, his aptitude for technology perfectly dovetailed with her increased engagement with it because of remote schooling. As her tech abilities grew, he said, so did her interest. Their shared enthusiasm led to increased Dad-daughter time spent making art videos and playing with other tech tools, ultimately strengthening their bond.

I’ve also heard from fathers whose active involvement in their kids’ day-to-day school deepened. Ensuring kids logged onto Zoom on time supporting them academically became de rigueur for many dads, of course. But the real delight was eavesdropping on their kids’ interactions with teachers and students and witnessing them engage with new ideas in real time.

Pandemic family life mimicked pre-Covid life in one significant way: improvements in family cohesiveness were often the result of missteps or frustration that allowed moms and dads alike to (re)learn the value of do-overs. Lost your temper (again)? Apologize to your kids and talk about how you’ll handle it differently the next time. Then there were the multitude of pandemic-induced upsets like the abrupt cancellation of friend visits, school sports and summer camps. These gave parents tons of opportunities to collaborate on new ways to engage kids -- as well as to discover how their parenting choices in response to disappointment can actually build resiliency.

Naturally, dads felt the downside of 24/7/365 family life; who among us didn’t?! One often reported complaint was the virtual obliteration of private time, denying dads the chance to hang with friends, play team sports or engage in personal hobbies or pastimes. But many consider that a small price to pay.

How might the experiences fathers had during COVID translate to their professional lives once the pandemic is firmly behind us? From what I’m hearing my clients and colleagues say, I suspect that dads will push for an explicit reworking of the corporate “benefit” of work-life balance, one that truly accommodates flexibility for remote work and reduced travel so dads can continue to be more present in their children’s lives.

Sadly but not surprisingly, both male and female parents reported mental and physical health declines during COVID. But one study really caught my attention. It reported that 82% of fathers said “they could have used more emotional support” during the pandemic.

So here’s my plug for Father’s Day 2021. Every parent wants to be appreciated and told they’re doing a good job. Dads are no exception. They want to hear specifically -- from their partners and the kids -- what they’re doing well and right. So let’s make Father’s Day 2021 the day we do just that!

#Mother's DAY is Not Enough

“....And Moms are still not OK.”

That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.

Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.

For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.

In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.

I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year. 

Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.

This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.

I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”

So now what?

If you’re a mother or the primary parent…

·       I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop

o   For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”

·       Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done

·       If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need

·       Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home

·       Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone

·       Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s

If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…

·       Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward

·       Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day

·       Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently

·       This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”

If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…

·       Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat

·       Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break

·       Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery

·       Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it

These are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.

In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.

How to Spring Forth Safely: 4 To-Dos for Parents

With Spring just about sprung -- and cabin fever at an unmatched pitch -- it could be majorly tempting for families to lighten up on COVID precautions.

After all, we finally have some hope. The world has several high-quality vaccines, the number of vaccinated people is rising and coronavirus antibodies appear to last for months. Another promising sign (at least for folks in the northern hemisphere) is that after a long, dark winter we now have warmer weather -- and more opportunity for socially distanced engagement out-of-doors.

BUT…

1.     We are still very much in the midst of a global pandemic. As is evidenced by the horrific numbers of cases across Europe, the two new coronavirus variants pose an even greater threat in terms of contagion and severity of illness. Researchers are still studying the effectiveness of the FDA-approved vaccines against them.  Most troubling, public health experts say “the virus is not done evolving.”

2.     Even though most grandparents are vaccinated, they aren’t 100% immune and can still be carriers. Not to mention, the millennial kids and grandkids they are traveling to visit remain largely unvaccinated. (On the plus side, the CDC says it’s safe for fully vaccinated individuals to travel.)

3.     Cabin fever and COVID fatigue are at their height 13 months on, making continued compliance more difficult than ever.

That’s why parents continue to play a vital role in keeping families and communities safe as we celebrate the marvels of Spring.

In other words, it’s déjà vu all over again. Whether it’s April or December, parental decision-making hasn’t changed. We have to gather as much information as possible, digest it, construct a family plan -- then engage our kids in understanding everyone’s role going forward. 

So, as we move into Spring and early Summer, what do I think should be on every parent’s to-do list?

✔  Understand and manage your kids’ capabilities and expectations when it comes to your family’s safety protocols.

Your kids’ developmental stage dictates their level of engagement in the process:

·       For school-agers and younger, they simply need to be informed what the family plan is -- and what your expectations of them are.

·       High-schoolers, for whom some autonomous decision-making is appropriate, still have undeveloped frontal lobes. That means parents gather and relay essential info, put guardrails in place and then empower teens to make decision within those limits.

·       College students may need to be reminded of the impact of their decision-making on the larger society; as burgeoning adults, it’s no longer just about them getting their spring-break needs met.

✔  Recognize that not all families are going to do it the same way -- even pod families that you’ve been in lockstep with about pandemic precautions.

Parents must continue to honor their own level of tolerance in terms of COVID-19 exposure -- and the safety precautions that engenders. This can be particularly tough in states and provinces where the official mandates have been severely curtailed or even 100% abandoned. In some areas, kids are being invited to return to school,either part-time or full-time, complete with sports and extra-curricular activities, making that another piece of the decision-making puzzle.

✔  Involve the entire family in creating ideas for safe warm-weather activities.

As most parents have experienced, our kids’ point-of-view about the world is valid -- and often poignant. The more we listen to and take their ideas seriously, the more everyone benefits. So give kids age-appropriate roles in coming up with strategies for how your family can continue to stay COVID-safe this Spring.  

✔  Err on the side of hope and make your kids’ summer plans.

Just do so with the sure knowledge that the virus will have the last word, so a last minute pivot might be required. Plus, my bet is that summer programming for kids will continue to make COVID-safe protocols a key component of their offerings.

As Dr. Peter Hotez, director of the Texas Children’s Hospital Center for Vaccine Development, notes, “If we want to plan the best summer for our families, we need to stay vigilant for the near term while more adults are being vaccinated.”

So let’s do just that.

The Unexpected Benefits of Blended Families

During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.

And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.

Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.

Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.

There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.

Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.

My own life is a case in point.

My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.

For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.

I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!

After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.

For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.

An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.

In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.

The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.

Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.

The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”

With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.

What's Love Got to do With It? (Parenting, That Is)

Every year as Valentine’s Day nears, the consumerist clamor escalates. Advertisers try, yet again, to sell us on the notion that flowers, candy and jewelry is what love is all about. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s lasted beyond the falling-in-love stage, you know that’s not the case.

Thinking about Valentine’s Day brings to my mind another essential kind of love: the unconditional love parents have for our children.

The phrase, unconditional love is self-defining. It is, simply, love without conditions.

As important as it is for parents to love unconditionally, it’s probably more essential that our kids feel and have the lived experience of our unconditional love and regard for them. For healthy development, kids need to believe that no matter what they do, their parents love them just as they are -- foibles, irritating habits, differences of opinion, special needs and all.

That doesn’t mean we ought to accept everything our children do -- and it certainly doesn’t imply that we love their inappropriate behavior. Unconditional love isn’t constraint-free love. It’s loving without expecting anything in return. Even when out children behave badly. Even when they scream, “I hate you!” Even when they’re struggling with the limits you’ve set for them. One can hate the behavior but still love the kid.

Not surprisingly, children often experience the setting of boundaries, such as consequences for disrespectful behavior and accountability for their actions (or inaction when action was called for), as proof that we don’t love them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Calling out and setting limits on unacceptable behavior is part and parcel of being a parent. Actually, it’s a considerable part of the job.

How we do that job is key.

As parents, we need to constantly reassure our kids that we love them no matter what. I remember many challenging moments when my kids were teenagers. But even when I was sharing my displeasure at a behavior, or stating consequences for some infraction, I always made a point of articulating and affirming my love.

I’d spell it out quite clearly, actually. I’d say something like, “I know you’re angry at me and don’t like the rules, but the reason they exist is because they’re in keeping with our family values. As your parent, it’s my job to issue consequences when you ignore them. But know this: I love you regardless of how you feel about me right now. In fact, no one loves you more than your dad and I. No one is a bigger fan of yours than we are. No one.”

As parents, let’s constantly express our love for our kids, even in the face of their anger -- or ours. Remember, children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching how we regulate ours. So when your kid says, “I hate you” the worse thing a parent can do is to react in kind.

In fact, when kids say, “You don’t love me” or “I hate you” when we’ve set a limit or enforced a rule, they’re actually trying to make sure we do love them! So let them know that their behavior isn’t going to change the love you have for them, but that there are certain things -- that they well know -- that you're not going to tolerate.

Yes, as parents, we will lose our cool. It’s inevitable because effective parenting can be extremely taxing. When you do lose your temper, approach it as an opportunity not just to amend your behavior, but to rearticulate your love for your kids. Here’s an example: A mom, pressed for time, was making lunch for her 6-year-old, the very same lunch the girl had claimed as her “favorite” several days earlier. As the mom was finishing up, the girl started complaining about the menu. In response, her mother yelled, “Fine!” and threw everything in the garbage.

Immediately the daughter was apologetic, as was Mom, who swept in to repair the rift. But she made sure her daughter understood that she was not apologizing for “being” angry…but for how she expressed it. In their exchange, Mom reinforced the message that there’s nothing wrong with having feelings; we just need to learn healthy ways to express them.

During this year of elevated stress and forced togetherness, pandemic family life has probably gone off the rails once or twice (or a hundred times!) in many of our homes. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents casting themselves as “bad parents” because they’ve lost their temper or been angry with their kids. Actually, being angry with one’s kids without withdrawing your love is what helps kids internalize that they are, indeed, loved without conditions.

That’s the best gift we can give our kids. It’s also the answer to the question, “what’s love got to do with it?”

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day -- every day of the year!