Why I Got My Parent Coaching Certification

I absolutely love being a parent coach! My work has given me both deep professional satisfaction and tremendous gratitude for the opportunity to support moms and dads as they manage the unique challenges and celebrate the many joys of modern-day parenting.

That’s why in the fall of 2020 after 5 years of successful practice as a parent coach, I began investigating parent-coaching certification programs that were aligned with my own approach of intentional, values-based parenting. Not only was it important to add to the gravitas of the work itself, I wanted to distinguish myself as a professional in the field. Plus, because I value continuing education, I wanted to deepen my existing theoretical knowledge and learn research-based practical skills so I could be even more effective.

Ultimately, I chose the Parent Coaching Institute© (PCI), an internationally respected organization that offers a rigorous, graduate-level program. The PCI curriculum merges a rich theory-based educational framework with both peer- and instructor-reviewed, hands-on coaching of volunteer clients.

Now that I’m officially credentialed, I’ve had a chance to reflect on and identify the five main benefits of my PCI experience.

Benefit #1     I guide parents to find their own solutions.

While parents start their first session wanting to talk about the problem, I no longer start a coaching relationship by focusing on the struggle. Instead, we begin by identifying all the strengths of the family system and the tools in their toolkit. These include the positive traits of both parents and children; clearly defined parenting values; availability of family and extended family support, helpful friends within the social system; and allied professional services they use. Once that is articulated, I work with parents to co-constructsolutions best aligned with their strengths, parenting styles, values and desires.

Using this approach,  parents -- equipped with what I call their “strength stats” -- are empowered to think of strategies they can apply to other parenting situations as they arise. This also increases parents’ sense of confidence in their abilities, which is one of my primary aims.

 Benefit #2     I document more.

I’ve instituted a best-practice technique of sending clients a follow-up email after each session that recaps what we discussed during our session, as well as additional ideas for them to consider.

Practically speaking, it provides a reference point for both my clients and me. Parents tell me they often reread these summaries to keep “my voice in their head,” as well as to remind them of what they need to do between sessions. It provides me with a record I can review before their next session -- or when they come back with a new issue at a later date.

Benefit #3     I’m revitalized.

Being a parent coach is vital, fulfilling and necessary work, and I’ve always felt a profound sense of appreciation for my clients’ trust in me. Frankly, I didn’t think getting credentialed could enhance the satisfaction I felt!

But as a result of completing the PCI program, I am a better parent coach, more confident and grounded in my approach. And I’m immensely grateful knowing that I’m doing everything possible to help parents navigate the key change points in their families’ lives.

Benefit #4     I now offer Group Coaching.

Put together your own group of like-minded parents with similarly aged children and we’ll work together to address common parenting challenges. Group coaching offers the same “strength-first” approach as individual coaching, but can be a much more affordable option. Plus, participants have a built-in support group to turn to between sessions.

Benefit #5     Check out my new website!

The website I recently built is much more robust than the original one I created almost 6 years ago. It more accurately reflects my coaching voice and articulates the many ways I can collaborate with parents and others.

Just as important, I wanted my website to be a place where parents could go for information (see the FAQ page) and resources they can peruse on their own. It’s also where I continue to host my blog and share media appearances and other relevant changes to my practice.

So there you have it! PCI’s program was definitely demanding, but I value my experience and the outcomes tremendously. If you’d like to take advantage of a free 30-minute consultation to learn more about how we might work together, please email me. Until then, enjoy your parenting journey!

How to Talk to Kids about Death

“Daddy, are you going to die?”

The question caught a client quite by surprise, particularly because it came from his three-year-old, inexplicably tucked right between story time and lights out. Dad gathered himself, acknowledged that one day he would die, but promised that it wouldn’t be for a long, long time. Apparently satisfied with that response, his daughter rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Death is a topic that kids of all ages are curious about beginning as young as preschool -- the classic age that the daily whirl of “Why” questions begins. Little kids are naturally inquisitive, which makes their matter-of-fact questions about death totally age appropriate.

Fielding questions about death can be difficult, to be sure. No parent wants their kids to feel burdened by the thought of one of them or another family member dying. But death is a part of life, and our children deserve to have their questions answered.

Kids aren’t the only one with the difficult questions about this topic; parents have tons of them. Here’s just a sampling:

·      How should I respond when my kids ask about death apropos of nothing?

·      Why are there so many cartoon and kid-movie characters with dead parents?

·      How should we deal with the death of a treasured pet?

·      When and how should we prepare our children for the eventual death of their beloved grandparents?

·      Is it too scary for kids to go to funerals?

·      How do we tell our kids about a serious diagnosis in a parent or close relative?

·      What do we say when someone dies by suicide or an overdose?

·      When should I worry about my child’s seeming obsession with death?

Then there’s the question sadly germane to the current global crisis:

·      How on earth do we reassure our kids when 651,000+ Americans and more than 4.54 million people worldwide died from COVID-19?

My basic premise for all the difficult questions kids ask, whether they’re about death…terrorism…or the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic is, first of all, be direct, honest and don’t use euphemisms. People don’t “pass away” or “go to a better place.” Phrases like that are not understandable to kids, especially young ones. The fact is, people and pets and strangers die, and kids want to know what that means, and if they have to worry about it affecting them and their family. So use age-appropriate language and don’t lie; you will die someday, so answer your children’s questions squarely and honestly. Reassurance is important; address their fears by telling them that usually people die when they’re old and since you take care of yourself, you hope to be around for a long, long time.

Another foundational principle is to be real and authentic. If someone in your family has died, you need to demonstrate that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about the loss. Make sure your kids know it’s okay to cry. Don’t deflect or distract them from their feelings; let them have their emotions. Not only is it much healthier emotionally than tamping them down, being aware of one’s emotional experience gives kids and parents alike the chance to manage them appropriately.

If your family practices a particular religion, let those traditions around death help you teach your kids about how to cope with loss. For all of us, kids included, it’s the rituals around death, religious or not, that help us process the loss and learn to live without our loved one. Don’t shortchange yourselves by bypassing the family gatherings, formal burial traditions and encouraging people to reminisce about the person who has died.

Should kids go to funerals? Certainly they should never be forced to go it they don’t want to. But if your child wants to go, be sure to have an exit strategy if they end up feeling uncomfortable or get anxious. If the funeral is for a close family member of yours, enlist a friend or other attendee to take care of your child if need be.

There are two other methods I remind parents about when kids ask tough questions. First, don’t presume they know more than they do. Before answering their query, reflect their questions back to them so you can understand what, exactly, they’re asking -- and why they’re asking it. It could be as devastating as having seen a disturbing news report about COVID deaths in your city or as innocent as being curious about a cemetery that the school bus passes by. Either way, knowing what prompted the question can help shape your response. If you don’t feel ready to answer a question, it’s ok to let your child know they asked a great question and that you are going to make some time later to sit down with them and answer it.

Second, answer only the question that is asked -- and do so in an age-appropriate manner. For example, if a parent or close relative gets diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, your youngest kids may simply ask why mommy is so tired all the time. So respond only to that concern because for school-aged kids, too much information can be overwhelming, With teens, who typically can sense when something serious is going on, you can be more forthcoming.

The death of a family pet can be tough on everyone because they’re a very meaningful part of family life. Yet it is also an object lesson, especially when parents create rituals around it to help kids handle it successfully. Have everyone present when you bury your pet or its ashes. Host a family gathering during which everyone talks about their favorite pet antics and warm moments. The death of a pet also ends up showing kids grief isn’t linear. When they get sad and cry about missing their beloved pet -- even weeks or months after the fact -- let them share their feelings and memories and reassure them that all is well.

Clearly, some types of deaths are harder for kids to understand than others. The death of a loved but elderly grandparent is sad of course, but if you’ve educated your kids that people die when they get old, it will make some sort of sense to them. But explaining why a young family member, friend or classmate died by suicide requires extra sensitivity. But as always, honest, age-appropriate language is key. Additional resources for parents include community grief therapists or groups, crisis hotlines and religious leaders.

Some kids, however, may be particularly affected in ways that go beyond the norm. If your child talks about death all the time, seems excessively worried about it, or has sleep disruption or other behavioral anomalies, check with a parenting coach or therapist for support and or referral.

Less urgent support is as close as your local library or independent bookstore. Many fantastic books have been written for kids that explain death, so take your pick and read them with your kids. Two great sources I like are a list on fatherly.com, as well as one that features newer books that help explain death. You may also want to peruse this list of films that tackle the subject of grief for kids from ages 6 and up.

One final plug here about why parents should take our kids questions seriously -- at any age and about any topic. It’s important to take our children’s naturally curiosity and their questions seriously, even it they make us uncomfortable. Lean in to their curiosity and allow the conversation to unfold. Just be sure you’ve addressed your own anxieties first so you don’t pass them on unwittingly.

COVID ’21: A Whole New ‘Back to School’ Experience

“The more things change…the more they stay the same.”  This feels incredibly apt right now as families face yet another back-to-school season in the time of Covid.

 What’s really striking is that the collectively relieved parental vibe that clients, family and friends emitted even just a short six weeks ago has in recent days morphed into a lamentable chorus of here-we-go-agains.

Just when it had seemed children might have a quasi-normal, much-needed and highly recommended return to academic life (endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents are once more fretting about sending kids into classrooms and feverishly scanning the headlines for sound medical guidance to allay their fears about the Delta coronavirus variant.

As one mother of a rising 4th grader shared: “While I’m not going to second-guess my city’s decision to return children to the classroom, I have much more anxiety about my unvaccinated child going to school this Fall than I did even a month ago. Naturally, I trust that school administrators have considered all the variables and will instate all the appropriate safety measures so that everyone — kids, teachers and staff — can stay safe. But the situation is far from ideal.”

Far, indeed. It’s hard to predict whether the CDC guidance for Covid prevention in K-12 schools, originally issued on July 9, will get a facelift given the alarming uptick in Covid infections. And it’s not farfetched to suppose that things could completely derail in September because with the pandemic, you just never know.

But one thing is certain: While there are still plenty of unknowns, there is still much parents can do to prepare their K-12 and college students for the coming academic year.  

Manage your negative feelings. There’s a lot at stake this back-to-school season, so parents are facing a mixture of anxious, fearful and even contradictory (e.g., I’m afraid for my kid, but can’t wait for school to start) feelings. No matter what they are, be sure you have a safe place to discharge your anxiety and vent your frustration, either with other parents, a parenting coach, a therapist and/or friends. Address and validate your own experience so that the face your kids see is one they can rely on to help them manage their fears and keep them safe.

Acknowledge the greater good.  Parents the world over are thrilled that the social isolation their have children faced the last 16 months is behind them. Moreover, in-person learning will address the inequities of distance learning exacerbated during the pandemic. These include mitigating the negative impact on academic achievement for students of color and non-English-speaking students; re-bridging the digital divide; and addressing the increase in mental health issues children and adolescents suffered during the pandemic.

Don’t sugarcoat it. Transitions are hard on everyone -- especially kids. So let yours know that it’s okay if they feel a little anxious about going back to school during Covid. If you emphasize how much fun they’ll have and how great it will be, you set your children up with the expectation that everything is going to be rosy. Which means you run the risk that they’ll lock up their fears inside for fear of disappointing you.  

Do make sure you emphasize your confidence that the school will do everything possible to keep them safe. And reassure them that they’ll be able to debrief about their experience every day at home.

Gather as much information from your school district as you can. Now is the time to be a proactive parent. While many school districts will have similar safety measures in place (masking; regular testing; improved ventilation; social distancing; regular hand washing, keeping sick kids home), there will be local variations.

Remember -- the more you know about what the school year will look like, the sooner you can prepare your kids for what’s to come.

·      For early-childhood learners, find out if there will be a pre-visit school day or a Zoom Open House to familiarize your child with their teacher and classroom. Also, try to get a class list and arrange a pre-school play date so that your child will see at least one familiar face on Day 1.

·      For grade-schoolers, be sure to confirm what the drop-off/pick-up protocols will be and share them; consider a practice drill since it’s been such a long time since school was last in session.

·      For teens, continue to be your kids’ frontal lobes. Ask “what if” questions, such as “What are you planning on doing after school? How do you plan to stay safe if you’re around kids that aren’t vaccinated? Role-play with them so they can practice how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Keep a watchful eye on any signs of anxiety.

·      With college students, especially incoming freshmen, ensure they have all the supplies they’ll need (masks, hand sanitizer, etc). Encourage them to research school safety and testing protocols and familiarize themselves with the location and capacities of on-campus medical and mental health resources. Most important, ensure your family has a plan for what to do if they get Covid.

Reorient your kids to the realities of school life. Remote learning has had a profound impact on kids of all ages and grades, and many children may have forgotten about the rigors and challenges of school life. It may surprise them that the transition won’t be as smooth as they expect it to be.

While many children thrived academically during Covid, it could partly be because they had a lot of educational and psychic support at home from parents (or paid teachers/tutors) during the pandemic that they won’t have come Fall.

Engage your kids in conversation about the reality of an all-day scholastic program, the demands of independent learning and self-monitoring, and dealing with social distractions. Stay vigilant, especially in those first couple months. Keep a close watch on their homework and other performance metrics so you can be fully prepared for that first parent-teacher conference.

Many students experienced a loss of academic progress during the pandemic. If this is true for your child, be sure to arrange a meeting with teachers before the school year to set up tutoring or other educational scaffolding your children may need.

Be mindful of the pressures on teachers, school administrators and staff. Families aren’t the only ones feeling frazzled. Returning to the classroom will also be extraordinarily stressful for teachers, administrators and staff who want to keep kids safe while staying healthy themselves. Remember, these professionals went into education because of their passion for helping students learn. On the whole, their efforts during the pandemic have been Herculean, albeit imperfect. Be sure to express your appreciation for everything they do.

Be prepared to pivot. Change is inevitable during normal times, and more so during a global pandemic. So plan vigorously -- but be ready to change when the need arises.