An imbalance in the “mental” aspect of parenting is where I see the most discrepancy – and sometimes it’s what lies underneath a couple’s presenting issue when they first start working with me. Because even if both parents share equally in the execution of the tasks – or if they have the funds to outsource the cleaning, cooking, carpooling and childcare– one partner still does much of the heavy lifting that remains.
The idea of taking a “gap year” – born of the independence of the post-war 60s generation that challenged themselves to create a life different from their parents – has come a long way in 70 years. Since the new millennia, it’s been taken up by parents and young people alike who have lived through the accelerating pace of the new world order – and see little chance for such an extended pause once they start college and forge fledgling careers.
The text arrives, our blood pressure elevates, our tweens and teens want an immediate response, and all of a sudden we are down the rabbit hole. There is a better way. This three step response ensures our kids feel heard, but creates space for thoughtful engagement at the appropriate time.
“The more things change…the more they stay the same.” This feels incredibly apt right now as families face yet another back-to-school season in the time of Covid.
What’s really striking is that the collectively relieved parental vibe that clients, family and friends emitted even just a short six weeks ago has in recent days morphed into a lamentable chorus of here-we-go-agains.
Just when it had seemed children might have a quasi-normal, much-needed and highly recommended return to academic life (endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents are once more fretting about sending kids into classrooms and feverishly scanning the headlines for sound medical guidance to allay their fears about the Delta coronavirus variant.
As one mother of a rising 4th grader shared: “While I’m not going to second-guess my city’s decision to return children to the classroom, I have much more anxiety about my unvaccinated child going to school this Fall than I did even a month ago. Naturally, I trust that school administrators have considered all the variables and will instate all the appropriate safety measures so that everyone — kids, teachers and staff — can stay safe. But the situation is far from ideal.”
Far, indeed. It’s hard to predict whether the CDC guidance for Covid prevention in K-12 schools, originally issued on July 9, will get a facelift given the alarming uptick in Covid infections. And it’s not farfetched to suppose that things could completely derail in September because with the pandemic, you just never know.
But one thing is certain: While there are still plenty of unknowns, there is still much parents can do to prepare their K-12 and college students for the coming academic year.
Manage your negative feelings. There’s a lot at stake this back-to-school season, so parents are facing a mixture of anxious, fearful and even contradictory (e.g., I’m afraid for my kid, but can’t wait for school to start) feelings. No matter what they are, be sure you have a safe place to discharge your anxiety and vent your frustration, either with other parents, a parenting coach, a therapist and/or friends. Address and validate your own experience so that the face your kids see is one they can rely on to help them manage their fears and keep them safe.
Acknowledge the greater good. Parents the world over are thrilled that the social isolation their have children faced the last 16 months is behind them. Moreover, in-person learning will address the inequities of distance learning exacerbated during the pandemic. These include mitigating the negative impact on academic achievement for students of color and non-English-speaking students; re-bridging the digital divide; and addressing the increase in mental health issues children and adolescents suffered during the pandemic.
Don’t sugarcoat it. Transitions are hard on everyone -- especially kids. So let yours know that it’s okay if they feel a little anxious about going back to school during Covid. If you emphasize how much fun they’ll have and how great it will be, you set your children up with the expectation that everything is going to be rosy. Which means you run the risk that they’ll lock up their fears inside for fear of disappointing you.
Do make sure you emphasize your confidence that the school will do everything possible to keep them safe. And reassure them that they’ll be able to debrief about their experience every day at home.
Gather as much information from your school district as you can. Now is the time to be a proactive parent. While many school districts will have similar safety measures in place (masking; regular testing; improved ventilation; social distancing; regular hand washing, keeping sick kids home), there will be local variations.
Remember -- the more you know about what the school year will look like, the sooner you can prepare your kids for what’s to come.
· For early-childhood learners, find out if there will be a pre-visit school day or a Zoom Open House to familiarize your child with their teacher and classroom. Also, try to get a class list and arrange a pre-school play date so that your child will see at least one familiar face on Day 1.
· For grade-schoolers, be sure to confirm what the drop-off/pick-up protocols will be and share them; consider a practice drill since it’s been such a long time since school was last in session.
· For teens, continue to be your kids’ frontal lobes. Ask “what if” questions, such as “What are you planning on doing after school? How do you plan to stay safe if you’re around kids that aren’t vaccinated? Role-play with them so they can practice how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Keep a watchful eye on any signs of anxiety.
· With college students, especially incoming freshmen, ensure they have all the supplies they’ll need (masks, hand sanitizer, etc). Encourage them to research school safety and testing protocols and familiarize themselves with the location and capacities of on-campus medical and mental health resources. Most important, ensure your family has a plan for what to do if they get Covid.
Reorient your kids to the realities of school life. Remote learning has had a profound impact on kids of all ages and grades, and many children may have forgotten about the rigors and challenges of school life. It may surprise them that the transition won’t be as smooth as they expect it to be.
While many children thrived academically during Covid, it could partly be because they had a lot of educational and psychic support at home from parents (or paid teachers/tutors) during the pandemic that they won’t have come Fall.
Engage your kids in conversation about the reality of an all-day scholastic program, the demands of independent learning and self-monitoring, and dealing with social distractions. Stay vigilant, especially in those first couple months. Keep a close watch on their homework and other performance metrics so you can be fully prepared for that first parent-teacher conference.
Many students experienced a loss of academic progress during the pandemic. If this is true for your child, be sure to arrange a meeting with teachers before the school year to set up tutoring or other educational scaffolding your children may need.
Be mindful of the pressures on teachers, school administrators and staff. Families aren’t the only ones feeling frazzled. Returning to the classroom will also be extraordinarily stressful for teachers, administrators and staff who want to keep kids safe while staying healthy themselves. Remember, these professionals went into education because of their passion for helping students learn. On the whole, their efforts during the pandemic have been Herculean, albeit imperfect. Be sure to express your appreciation for everything they do.
Be prepared to pivot. Change is inevitable during normal times, and more so during a global pandemic. So plan vigorously -- but be ready to change when the need arises.
With Spring just about sprung -- and cabin fever at an unmatched pitch -- it could be majorly tempting for families to lighten up on COVID precautions.
After all, we finally have some hope. The world has several high-quality vaccines, the number of vaccinated people is rising and coronavirus antibodies appear to last for months. Another promising sign (at least for folks in the northern hemisphere) is that after a long, dark winter we now have warmer weather -- and more opportunity for socially distanced engagement out-of-doors.
BUT…
1. We are still very much in the midst of a global pandemic. As is evidenced by the horrific numbers of cases across Europe, the two new coronavirus variants pose an even greater threat in terms of contagion and severity of illness. Researchers are still studying the effectiveness of the FDA-approved vaccines against them. Most troubling, public health experts say “the virus is not done evolving.”
2. Even though most grandparents are vaccinated, they aren’t 100% immune and can still be carriers. Not to mention, the millennial kids and grandkids they are traveling to visit remain largely unvaccinated. (On the plus side, the CDC says it’s safe for fully vaccinated individuals to travel.)
3. Cabin fever and COVID fatigue are at their height 13 months on, making continued compliance more difficult than ever.
That’s why parents continue to play a vital role in keeping families and communities safe as we celebrate the marvels of Spring.
In other words, it’s déjà vu all over again. Whether it’s April or December, parental decision-making hasn’t changed. We have to gather as much information as possible, digest it, construct a family plan -- then engage our kids in understanding everyone’s role going forward.
So, as we move into Spring and early Summer, what do I think should be on every parent’s to-do list?
✔ Understand and manage your kids’ capabilities and expectations when it comes to your family’s safety protocols.
Your kids’ developmental stage dictates their level of engagement in the process:
· For school-agers and younger, they simply need to be informed what the family plan is -- and what your expectations of them are.
· High-schoolers, for whom some autonomous decision-making is appropriate, still have undeveloped frontal lobes. That means parents gather and relay essential info, put guardrails in place and then empower teens to make decision within those limits.
· College students may need to be reminded of the impact of their decision-making on the larger society; as burgeoning adults, it’s no longer just about them getting their spring-break needs met.
✔ Recognize that not all families are going to do it the same way -- even pod families that you’ve been in lockstep with about pandemic precautions.
Parents must continue to honor their own level of tolerance in terms of COVID-19 exposure -- and the safety precautions that engenders. This can be particularly tough in states and provinces where the official mandates have been severely curtailed or even 100% abandoned. In some areas, kids are being invited to return to school,either part-time or full-time, complete with sports and extra-curricular activities, making that another piece of the decision-making puzzle.
✔ Involve the entire family in creating ideas for safe warm-weather activities.
As most parents have experienced, our kids’ point-of-view about the world is valid -- and often poignant. The more we listen to and take their ideas seriously, the more everyone benefits. So give kids age-appropriate roles in coming up with strategies for how your family can continue to stay COVID-safe this Spring.
✔ Err on the side of hope and make your kids’ summer plans.
Just do so with the sure knowledge that the virus will have the last word, so a last minute pivot might be required. Plus, my bet is that summer programming for kids will continue to make COVID-safe protocols a key component of their offerings.
As Dr. Peter Hotez, director of the Texas Children’s Hospital Center for Vaccine Development, notes, “If we want to plan the best summer for our families, we need to stay vigilant for the near term while more adults are being vaccinated.”
So let’s do just that.
During the 2020 presidential campaign, the Biden/Harris ticket put more than their policies and plans before the American public: they put their very blended, very modern families front and center too.
And with all due props to the attention given the multiple-ceiling-shattering career achievements of Madam Vice President, I have been equally pleased to see the media focus on her multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi-faith family, because it makes explicit the reality that many families live every day.
Couples divorce. Spouses die. Sexual orientations shift. When new marriages and partnerships happen, children can find themselves living in homes with a new ‘parent’ or new ‘siblings’ they may not know very well - or perhaps don’t even like. That makes for a lot of shifting and readjusting for everyone, to be sure.
Do family members move easily from the old to the new? Seldom. That’s why parents and kids alike need support through the rupture, pain and trauma of family dissolution. The adjustment often includes challenges like dealing with different discipline styles at each parent’s home, the overnight change in “birth order” for kids in blended families, and how best to respond when step siblings don’t (or won’t) get along.
There is no minimizing the effort and energy moving through the transition requires. So if you’re in this situation now, I encourage you to get professional support.
Yet I promise you this: there is a huge upside on the other side of the pain. Eventually, the diversity and richness of blended families far outweigh the ruptures and heartache that precipitated their creation.
My own life is a case in point.
My parents divorced more than 40 years ago, when my siblings and I ranged in age from 9 to 12. Sad to say the divorce and subsequent co-parenting were contentious. While there was much heartache to resolve about my nuclear family’s split, the multiple blessings that resulted from both my parents’ remarriages was an outcome I never could have anticipated.
For starters, I gained a bonus parent who I have long considered “step” in legal name only, someone that has been there for me, supporting me at every turn and fulsomely embracing the role of grandparent.
I went from having just 2 siblings to being one of 7 -- all of whom have become a real support system to me, not to mention the 12 amazing nieces and nephews they have provided!
After my own marriage ended when our three kids were elementary school-aged, their father and I were able to create a mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement that put our children’s welfare first. While at first it felt as if my family shrunk from “the 5 of us” to “just the 4 of us” -- in time and with mindful attention, it eventually expanded to include my ex-husband’s new wife, her parents and sibling, my ex-in-laws, as well as my new partner, his daughter and family.
For sure we share fun times like family vacation adventures, milestone birthdays and graduations. During our quarantined holidays at the end of 2020, we created a “WTF” (With the Family”) event with bespoke T-shirts, wherein each family member was responsible for planning a day’s worth of games and activities. Equally important to the fun we have, our combined family means there are that many more adult heads in the game when one of “our” kids need help or want advice.
An in-the-public-eye exemplar of the power of blended families is the reaction of quarterback Tom Brady’s ex-partner after he and his team clinched the win to put them in Super Bowl LV.
In an Instagram post, Brady’s ex-partner Bridget Moynahan posted in support of Brady’s accomplishments. While her post was admiring and celebratory of Brady, what she really was doing was telling her son, “This is how I honor and treat your father.” In my book, that’s a win for that entire clan. Hundreds of Instagram and Twitter users agreed.
The pandemic has also “blended” families that weren’t expecting it. Adult children, having lost a job due to the coronavirus or needing to care for elderly relatives, move back into their childhood homes, grandchildren in tow. Such situations, while challenging in predictable ways, offer young parents and their kids the opportunity to re-experience the safety and security of loving, albeit imperfect, parents.
Not all stories I hear about are as heartwarming. Far too often, exes won’t play fair with their spouses -- no matter how much it damages the kids. Sadly, unless and until the offending parents are willing to focus on family strategies that would be more beneficial, it’s up to the healthier spouse to put their attention on the things that are in their locus of control and appreciate what is working.
The beauty of blended families is that they’re bigger than any one individual. Every member plays a part in its success by their willing to look at themselves and say, “Sure - this isn’t what I thought would happen to my family, but what things are in my control? How can I be empowered to contribute? What are the blessings available to me in this new situation?”
With a resilient mindset like that, I guarantee you’ll create a rich, diverse and loving place for everyone in the family to land.
4 Lessons Learned from COVID-19
As I developed my coaching practice, the approach that worked best for most clients was interventive. Parents came to me with a specific concern, and I advised them on ways they might respond that were in keeping with their stated parenting values. The majority of the problems presented were issues I had dealt with many times over -- either in my own parenting or as an educational therapist and consultant. In that sense, I coached from a 10,000-foot view.
Then in March, “go-to-mom-and-parenting coach” met “global pandemic.” Parents, myself included, were in uncharted waters and the waves were sky high. The need for safe harbor grew, and I responded
Yet as the weeks of the pandemic dragged on with no end in sight -- and equally seismic racial and political issues rocked the U.S. -- I received a lot of call, from clients, colleagues and friends.
I picked up the phone whenever it buzzed. Every parent I knew was shell-shocked, adjusting work and childcare roles to survive in a locked-down world, and scrambling for answers and support. Contrary to the advice I gave my clients, I began to slowly abandon self-care. Forget filling the gas tank; even the fumes ran out. Eventually it was unsustainable -- and I needed to address it.
As the first year of the pandemic drew to a close, I reflected on what I’ve learned (in most cases, re-learned!). I’m sharing the most salient takeaways in my first post of the new year. My guess is I’m not the only parent in need a refresher as we continue to face down the pandemic in 2021.
No one is immune to parenting problems -- not even parenting coaches.
When the pandemic hit, I was thrust into a world exactly like the ones my clients faced. I, too, had to create a family plan to address the risks of the coronavirus, which was rumored to be both highly contagious and deadly. My personal situation was eerily similar to clients with college-aged kids who had to decide if it were safe to send them back to school come Fall. My middle daughter, a newly minted grad and I had to negotiate what the coronavirus rules would be when she moved home to take a job nearby. And like another subset of parents, it was up to me to figure out how to support elderly and/or out-of-state family members with ongoing health issues, when contact with and travel to them were deemed unsafe.
I was humbled. All parents, myself included, were struggling with not having answers to the tidal wave of questions we had. We were all forced to make decisions in the face of a tsunami of information that was changing by the day. Nothing was predictable, and no amount of research made it less so.
The situation was antithetical to how I had always made parenting decisions and practiced my work. Down I came from that 10,000-foot perch. I was 100% “in it” with every parent with whom I worked.
Being so humbled -- and feeling afresh the vulnerability of parenting -- was a gift. For me, the visceral identification with my clients’ states-of-mind was a type of grace that rallied my best self as I tuned in to them in my practice. For clients, seeing me wrestle with the same decisions they were facing, humanized me. They were comforted when I reiterated again and again that we were all doing the best we could in the moment. Off I came from any perceived pedestal I might have been on. And in the process we all served our children, who were witnessing first-hand just how much of life is impossible to know, predict or plan for.
Even if you’re isolating…don’t isolate!
I had a high rate of anxiety about catching COVID-19 (still do). From the start I planned to isolate, even if it flew in the face of how others were comporting themselves. It was the right decision for me, but it had consequences.
First, it meant I would no longer rely on outside help as I had pre-pandemic. Overnight, my at-home workload increased substantially.
Isolation also took away the myriad social and personal interactions I was accustomed to and enriched by in daily life. By relying on contact-less delivery, I effectively eliminated visits with the many people who lived and worked in my neighborhood. Business meetings, with their introductory chit-chat and welcoming hugs, were replaced by Zoom calls where people preferred to simply get down to business. I didn’t see my partner for months, because he was in contact with his 90-year-old father who was at high risk so we created separate pods.
Historically I’d been no ace at articulating or getting my needs met, but in the face of COVID-19, I contracted further. I reached out less. Didn’t make calls. An invitation from a friend to go for a walk -- even masked and socially distanced -- was inconceivable. I simply said No.
Eventually, my loneliness forced me to reckon with the difference between isolating from the virus and isolating from people. I gathered people I could rely on into a virtual cohort. I ratcheted up my communication with a group of high school best friends -- long on a group text chain-- because they felt like family and I found the increased contact comforting.
These days, when I get an invitation I’m not comfortable with, I know to say “I would like time with you…I just don’t know how to do it safely. Can we figure that out together?”
Self-care reduces stress -- and it’s time-expanding to boot!
I once gave a talk about dealing with stress to a professional women’s group. Back then I handled most everything with the confidence that I would successfully navigate life’s inevitable pitfalls -- or pivot when the need arose.
Then came COVID.
Because it descended like a shroud on top of the tensions of modern family life, pandemic stress felt aggressive, wanton and out of control. Every parent I knew had to completely overhaul family life in an atmosphere of utter fear.
As a coach, I effectively help clients deal with their stress, but I was trying to manage my own solo. Since I was busier, I cut back on exercise. Because of that, I was not sleeping well. Before long, the self-care items on my calendar began to feel more like onerous to-dos rather than the affirming, time-expanding practices I knew them to be.
The addition of two major life changes -- returning to school for another credential and selling the home where I raised my children -- complicated matters exponentially. Because they were time-sensitive, I had to take them both on. Even in normal times they would have added stress to my life. But dealing with them during COVID forced my hand.
My body and my emotions let me know things were out of sync and I resolved to act. I checked in with a therapist to get grounded. I started attending a bi-weekly Zoom meditation group with some women friends. I upped my physical activity. I started keeping a gratitude journal. I signed up for a Whole30 group to start the new year focused on healthy eating with a supportive cohort.
Life is a mystery.
I never imagined a global public health capacity of this nature could happen in my lifetime. Or even in my children’s lifetime. Yet its existence, while exceedingly frightful and difficult at times, has also underscored the immense role families play in society, as well as the resilience which we are all capable of - parents and children alike. The challenges we have all faced, and continue to face, will shape and define us. I for one, want to learn from this experience and emerge a better version of myself. I also want to afford myself the grace and compassion I so readily offer others as I navigate these uncharted waters.
Last week, I watched my youngest son, a college junior, drive away from home en route to his off-campus apartment in California. As it happens every time one of my kids leave, a part of me broke. Especially knowing that because of COVID, I won’t be flying out to watch him play his big bass drum during halftime at a football game. And it’s the first time any of the kids have left for college without definitive plans for their next trip home.
As I mourned the loss and struggled with the uncertainty, I reminded myself how grateful I am that my co-parent and I raised three launch-able kids.
Truth be told, a big part of me wished my son would have stayed home and studied online. But he wanted to go back, and he’s proven himself to be a responsible young adult many times over, especially through the pandemic. So as he loaded up the car with his stuff, I supplemented with disinfecting wipes and spray, several boxes of disposable masks, a fully stocked medical kit including a pulse oximeter, an instant-read thermometer and electrolyte tabs -- hoping for the best.
Your student is likely departing soon as well and like the majority of families you’re in the thick of final travel preparations. Yet surprisingly, some campuses are still in flux.
As of this writing, about a quarter of the nearly 3,000 colleges and universities in the U.S. have not yet decided which educational approach their campus will take: fully online; primarily online; hybrid; primarily in person; fully in person; and “other” (whatever that might mean). Not only is there no national standard, even within large cities, schools are taking varied approaches.
It almost doesn’t matter which pedagogical approach campuses are taking because absolutely nothing will be “normal” about college this year. The near-total loss of a normative college experience -- developing new learning communities, dorm life, study abroad, football season, Greek life, if desired -- is hard on everyone. As parents, we need to manage our own feelings of sadness even as we help our kids manage their expectations.
Considering the high-stakes decision schools are making by welcoming students back to campus, most have exhaustive plans for mitigating contagion on campus, including:
· Strictly scheduled and time-limited dorm drop-offs
· Online dorm orientations and at some schools, no roommates
· No parent-and-family weekends
· Mask-wearing and social distancing mandates
· Increased number of remote classes
· Grab-and-go vs. sit-down cafeterias
· Big Ten, PAC-12 and other sports (plus bands) off the calendar for Fall
· Size limits for gatherings
· Spring study abroad cancelled
· Regularly coronavirus testing
· Codified quarantine plans for infected students
· Severe penalties (suspension and/or expulsion) for those who don’t comply.
Despite the many precautions, every parent is justifiably worried that no matter how careful your kids are, they could contract COVID-19 -- or a campus-wide outbreak could occur. Already a dorm at Colorado College is under quarantine and UNC reported COVID-19 positivity rates at Campus health up from 2.8% to 13.6% in just one week resulting in a complete shift to remote learning for undergraduates.
That’s precisely what parents and students need to plan for. Here’s how:
Flex your parental muscles before they leave. COVID fatigue has set in for a lot of young people. It’s understandable: being vigilant isn’t particularly fun. Our college-bound kids need to understand that they are the sole arbiters of their health and safety on and off campus. That means establishing boundaries with roommates and friends from the start and calling out those who act recklessly. If necessary, they must advocate for themselves by reaching out to administrators or parents for guidance and support.
Have an inviolable communications agreement. No matter how cautious your child is or how much you’ve drilled the importance of safety measures into them, they still may get sick. In some cases, they may be reluctant to tell you. Have an agreement that they will let you know if they start to have any kind of symptoms. They must believe you’re their 9-1-1, no matter what.
HIPPA. Another top priority is to be sure they’ve signed off on the required HIPPA forms so medical providers can legally talk to you if they get sick.
Medical care. Find out in advance what on-campus Health Services are available whether your kid gets COVID or has a chronic condition that increases their risk. Your child needs to know what resources are available. Also, identify a physician/telehealth provider and a hospital near campus. Finally, think through several scenarios whereby near-by relatives or friends may be able to help if your child gets COVID-19 and needs assistance.
Have an exit strategy. If there’s a major outbreak on campus and the school shuts down, they will need an exit plan. This includes knowing what transportation method they will use to get them home or where they’ll stay if they remain.
As parents inevitably learn, no matter how well we plan, nothing is set in stone -- especially now. The best parents can do is be nimble, flexible and ready to pivot as quickly as required. Our children need to be a part of this planning and we need to continue to help them anticipate consequences and think through scenarios.
Pandemic life feels more like a wartime environment than anything I’ve ever experienced as a parent. It’s just that this “enemy” is invisible to the naked eye. All we can do is prepare our kids as best we can, then hope they practice healthy behaviors and adhere to the moral compass we helped them develop.
In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.
Well…it’s here.
While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.
As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.
But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.
As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.
Now that has been taken from them too.
The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.
Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:
· Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging
· Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it
· Validate their feelings and be empathic
· Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever
· Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it
· Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up
· Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege
· Help them shift their focus to the things they can control
As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.
And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.
Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?
One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.
A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.
And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).
I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.
There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.
Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.
SUMMER 2020 Online Resources
activityhero.com Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.
camp.wonderopolis.org FREE online summer-learning destination.
connectedcamps.com Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17
creativebug.com Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos.
diy.org Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.
idtech.com Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.
https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.
https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.
mycampbox.com Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.
outschool.com Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.
ctd.northwestern.edu Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.
unicoistudio.com “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.
varsitytutors.com Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.
wideopenschool.org A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.
One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!
People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.
But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.
These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.
As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:
“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”
In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?
And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?
Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:
· Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day
· Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)
· Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings
· The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families
· A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!
· One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls
· A profusion of craft-making and game-playing
· “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home
· Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home
· Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic
· Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise
· Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list
A final thought: Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.
