How Self-Compassion Can Ease the Burdens of Parenting

When I began blogging, one of very first topics I wrote about was self-care for parents. That’s how important I thought it was.

I believe self-care is even more important today, and over the years it has become prominent in my work with parents. In fact, it’s become a central tenet of my coaching practice. As I often tell my clients, “You cannot take care of your children at the expense of yourself.” Not only will parents who ignore their own needs pay the price physically, mentally and emotionally -- it’s not good modeling for your kids, either.

I define parental self-care as any activity that takes the focus off your children’s needs and puts it squarely on your own. Most of you are familiar with the basic repertoire of self-care habits: healthy eating, exercise, good sleep, journaling, date night, time with friends, therapy, hobbies and meditation, to name a few.

Yet there’s another element of self-care I’ve become convinced is most essential, and that’s self-compassion. Easily overlooked, self-compassion is an exceptionally simple and profound way to reframe your parenting struggles and, perhaps, your very humanity.

It’s not that parents lack compassion - not by a long shot. Since the early days of the pandemic, I’ve heard parents express and demonstrate an abundance of compassion for their children, particularly for the losses, big and small, they’ve had to endure.

Yet I’ve not heard parents express a comparable amount of compassion for themselves about their unavoidable parenting missteps in a world turned upside down by a global pandemic. Just the opposite, in fact. There’s far too much “comparison parenting” going on, as well as over-worry about our choices and what others might think about them. Too often I hear parents being uber-critical of themselves (“I’m a terrible mom!” or “I should never have done / said that to my child.”).

In situations like these, it’s important to remember it’s not the parenting mistakes you make -- it’s how you repair them. When you apologize to your child after a blowup, you’re actually letting them see you as an imperfect human willing to be vulnerable, which gives them a shot at seeing themselves that way, too. Besides, when we beat ourselves up for parenting mistakes, we simply compound the original problem. Best to put our energy into what we can learn about our kids and ourselves.

One definition of self-compassion that’s popular is “learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration that you would a good friend.” For parents, though, I think a more potent definition is to treat yourself with the same kindness and consideration that you would your child. Imagine how it might feel if you started talking to yourself with that same soft-spoken understanding, care, acceptance and love. That’s self-compassion.

According to self-compassion’s foremost researcher, Kristin Neff, PhD, Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion involves three main components: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness.

From a parenting perspective, here’s what that looks like:

Self-kindness. This is simply being as kind to ourselves about our parenting mishaps as we are to the friends who call us looking for support about theirs. Self-kindness is taking a soft view of our efforts, knowing that being a loving, supportive presence for our kids (and ourselves) is what matters most of all. It’s accepting that there is no way to be a perfect parent; some days, being a “good enough” parent is good enough.

Common humanity. There’s genuine relief in knowing that being a parent is difficult for everyone -- even parenting coaches! Every parent makes mistakes or feels they mishandled an important event in a kid’s life. Embracing those difficulties and our inadequacies, rather than avoiding them, is essential to rebuilding our resilience and restoring our hope. Recognizing our common humanity helps us turn “The way I handled that proves I’m the worst parent ever” into “Next time that situation arise, instead of doing X, I’ll try Y.”

Mindfulness. When we’re mindful, we make a decided effort to catch ourselves in negative self-talk about our parenting, and then consciously bring our attention back to our breath so we can think and act more in alignment with our parenting values. Plus, mindfulness offers a chance to gain perspective about what we can control -- and what we need to let go of.

Self-compassion isn’t usually a struggling parent’s go-to, but it’s an essential skill we can learn if we practice it. The best part about it is that we’ll always have a wise and empathetic friend at the ready and at our side -- ourselves!

I like to think of self-compassion as a deep breath for the soul. My advice? Take them as often as you can.

How to Talk to Kids about Death

“Daddy, are you going to die?”

The question caught a client quite by surprise, particularly because it came from his three-year-old, inexplicably tucked right between story time and lights out. Dad gathered himself, acknowledged that one day he would die, but promised that it wouldn’t be for a long, long time. Apparently satisfied with that response, his daughter rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Death is a topic that kids of all ages are curious about beginning as young as preschool -- the classic age that the daily whirl of “Why” questions begins. Little kids are naturally inquisitive, which makes their matter-of-fact questions about death totally age appropriate.

Fielding questions about death can be difficult, to be sure. No parent wants their kids to feel burdened by the thought of one of them or another family member dying. But death is a part of life, and our children deserve to have their questions answered.

Kids aren’t the only one with the difficult questions about this topic; parents have tons of them. Here’s just a sampling:

·      How should I respond when my kids ask about death apropos of nothing?

·      Why are there so many cartoon and kid-movie characters with dead parents?

·      How should we deal with the death of a treasured pet?

·      When and how should we prepare our children for the eventual death of their beloved grandparents?

·      Is it too scary for kids to go to funerals?

·      How do we tell our kids about a serious diagnosis in a parent or close relative?

·      What do we say when someone dies by suicide or an overdose?

·      When should I worry about my child’s seeming obsession with death?

Then there’s the question sadly germane to the current global crisis:

·      How on earth do we reassure our kids when 651,000+ Americans and more than 4.54 million people worldwide died from COVID-19?

My basic premise for all the difficult questions kids ask, whether they’re about death…terrorism…or the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic is, first of all, be direct, honest and don’t use euphemisms. People don’t “pass away” or “go to a better place.” Phrases like that are not understandable to kids, especially young ones. The fact is, people and pets and strangers die, and kids want to know what that means, and if they have to worry about it affecting them and their family. So use age-appropriate language and don’t lie; you will die someday, so answer your children’s questions squarely and honestly. Reassurance is important; address their fears by telling them that usually people die when they’re old and since you take care of yourself, you hope to be around for a long, long time.

Another foundational principle is to be real and authentic. If someone in your family has died, you need to demonstrate that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about the loss. Make sure your kids know it’s okay to cry. Don’t deflect or distract them from their feelings; let them have their emotions. Not only is it much healthier emotionally than tamping them down, being aware of one’s emotional experience gives kids and parents alike the chance to manage them appropriately.

If your family practices a particular religion, let those traditions around death help you teach your kids about how to cope with loss. For all of us, kids included, it’s the rituals around death, religious or not, that help us process the loss and learn to live without our loved one. Don’t shortchange yourselves by bypassing the family gatherings, formal burial traditions and encouraging people to reminisce about the person who has died.

Should kids go to funerals? Certainly they should never be forced to go it they don’t want to. But if your child wants to go, be sure to have an exit strategy if they end up feeling uncomfortable or get anxious. If the funeral is for a close family member of yours, enlist a friend or other attendee to take care of your child if need be.

There are two other methods I remind parents about when kids ask tough questions. First, don’t presume they know more than they do. Before answering their query, reflect their questions back to them so you can understand what, exactly, they’re asking -- and why they’re asking it. It could be as devastating as having seen a disturbing news report about COVID deaths in your city or as innocent as being curious about a cemetery that the school bus passes by. Either way, knowing what prompted the question can help shape your response. If you don’t feel ready to answer a question, it’s ok to let your child know they asked a great question and that you are going to make some time later to sit down with them and answer it.

Second, answer only the question that is asked -- and do so in an age-appropriate manner. For example, if a parent or close relative gets diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, your youngest kids may simply ask why mommy is so tired all the time. So respond only to that concern because for school-aged kids, too much information can be overwhelming, With teens, who typically can sense when something serious is going on, you can be more forthcoming.

The death of a family pet can be tough on everyone because they’re a very meaningful part of family life. Yet it is also an object lesson, especially when parents create rituals around it to help kids handle it successfully. Have everyone present when you bury your pet or its ashes. Host a family gathering during which everyone talks about their favorite pet antics and warm moments. The death of a pet also ends up showing kids grief isn’t linear. When they get sad and cry about missing their beloved pet -- even weeks or months after the fact -- let them share their feelings and memories and reassure them that all is well.

Clearly, some types of deaths are harder for kids to understand than others. The death of a loved but elderly grandparent is sad of course, but if you’ve educated your kids that people die when they get old, it will make some sort of sense to them. But explaining why a young family member, friend or classmate died by suicide requires extra sensitivity. But as always, honest, age-appropriate language is key. Additional resources for parents include community grief therapists or groups, crisis hotlines and religious leaders.

Some kids, however, may be particularly affected in ways that go beyond the norm. If your child talks about death all the time, seems excessively worried about it, or has sleep disruption or other behavioral anomalies, check with a parenting coach or therapist for support and or referral.

Less urgent support is as close as your local library or independent bookstore. Many fantastic books have been written for kids that explain death, so take your pick and read them with your kids. Two great sources I like are a list on fatherly.com, as well as one that features newer books that help explain death. You may also want to peruse this list of films that tackle the subject of grief for kids from ages 6 and up.

One final plug here about why parents should take our kids questions seriously -- at any age and about any topic. It’s important to take our children’s naturally curiosity and their questions seriously, even it they make us uncomfortable. Lean in to their curiosity and allow the conversation to unfold. Just be sure you’ve addressed your own anxieties first so you don’t pass them on unwittingly.