How to Talk to Kids about Death

“Daddy, are you going to die?”

The question caught a client quite by surprise, particularly because it came from his three-year-old, inexplicably tucked right between story time and lights out. Dad gathered himself, acknowledged that one day he would die, but promised that it wouldn’t be for a long, long time. Apparently satisfied with that response, his daughter rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Death is a topic that kids of all ages are curious about beginning as young as preschool -- the classic age that the daily whirl of “Why” questions begins. Little kids are naturally inquisitive, which makes their matter-of-fact questions about death totally age appropriate.

Fielding questions about death can be difficult, to be sure. No parent wants their kids to feel burdened by the thought of one of them or another family member dying. But death is a part of life, and our children deserve to have their questions answered.

Kids aren’t the only one with the difficult questions about this topic; parents have tons of them. Here’s just a sampling:

·      How should I respond when my kids ask about death apropos of nothing?

·      Why are there so many cartoon and kid-movie characters with dead parents?

·      How should we deal with the death of a treasured pet?

·      When and how should we prepare our children for the eventual death of their beloved grandparents?

·      Is it too scary for kids to go to funerals?

·      How do we tell our kids about a serious diagnosis in a parent or close relative?

·      What do we say when someone dies by suicide or an overdose?

·      When should I worry about my child’s seeming obsession with death?

Then there’s the question sadly germane to the current global crisis:

·      How on earth do we reassure our kids when 651,000+ Americans and more than 4.54 million people worldwide died from COVID-19?

My basic premise for all the difficult questions kids ask, whether they’re about death…terrorism…or the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic is, first of all, be direct, honest and don’t use euphemisms. People don’t “pass away” or “go to a better place.” Phrases like that are not understandable to kids, especially young ones. The fact is, people and pets and strangers die, and kids want to know what that means, and if they have to worry about it affecting them and their family. So use age-appropriate language and don’t lie; you will die someday, so answer your children’s questions squarely and honestly. Reassurance is important; address their fears by telling them that usually people die when they’re old and since you take care of yourself, you hope to be around for a long, long time.

Another foundational principle is to be real and authentic. If someone in your family has died, you need to demonstrate that it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about the loss. Make sure your kids know it’s okay to cry. Don’t deflect or distract them from their feelings; let them have their emotions. Not only is it much healthier emotionally than tamping them down, being aware of one’s emotional experience gives kids and parents alike the chance to manage them appropriately.

If your family practices a particular religion, let those traditions around death help you teach your kids about how to cope with loss. For all of us, kids included, it’s the rituals around death, religious or not, that help us process the loss and learn to live without our loved one. Don’t shortchange yourselves by bypassing the family gatherings, formal burial traditions and encouraging people to reminisce about the person who has died.

Should kids go to funerals? Certainly they should never be forced to go it they don’t want to. But if your child wants to go, be sure to have an exit strategy if they end up feeling uncomfortable or get anxious. If the funeral is for a close family member of yours, enlist a friend or other attendee to take care of your child if need be.

There are two other methods I remind parents about when kids ask tough questions. First, don’t presume they know more than they do. Before answering their query, reflect their questions back to them so you can understand what, exactly, they’re asking -- and why they’re asking it. It could be as devastating as having seen a disturbing news report about COVID deaths in your city or as innocent as being curious about a cemetery that the school bus passes by. Either way, knowing what prompted the question can help shape your response. If you don’t feel ready to answer a question, it’s ok to let your child know they asked a great question and that you are going to make some time later to sit down with them and answer it.

Second, answer only the question that is asked -- and do so in an age-appropriate manner. For example, if a parent or close relative gets diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness, your youngest kids may simply ask why mommy is so tired all the time. So respond only to that concern because for school-aged kids, too much information can be overwhelming, With teens, who typically can sense when something serious is going on, you can be more forthcoming.

The death of a family pet can be tough on everyone because they’re a very meaningful part of family life. Yet it is also an object lesson, especially when parents create rituals around it to help kids handle it successfully. Have everyone present when you bury your pet or its ashes. Host a family gathering during which everyone talks about their favorite pet antics and warm moments. The death of a pet also ends up showing kids grief isn’t linear. When they get sad and cry about missing their beloved pet -- even weeks or months after the fact -- let them share their feelings and memories and reassure them that all is well.

Clearly, some types of deaths are harder for kids to understand than others. The death of a loved but elderly grandparent is sad of course, but if you’ve educated your kids that people die when they get old, it will make some sort of sense to them. But explaining why a young family member, friend or classmate died by suicide requires extra sensitivity. But as always, honest, age-appropriate language is key. Additional resources for parents include community grief therapists or groups, crisis hotlines and religious leaders.

Some kids, however, may be particularly affected in ways that go beyond the norm. If your child talks about death all the time, seems excessively worried about it, or has sleep disruption or other behavioral anomalies, check with a parenting coach or therapist for support and or referral.

Less urgent support is as close as your local library or independent bookstore. Many fantastic books have been written for kids that explain death, so take your pick and read them with your kids. Two great sources I like are a list on fatherly.com, as well as one that features newer books that help explain death. You may also want to peruse this list of films that tackle the subject of grief for kids from ages 6 and up.

One final plug here about why parents should take our kids questions seriously -- at any age and about any topic. It’s important to take our children’s naturally curiosity and their questions seriously, even it they make us uncomfortable. Lean in to their curiosity and allow the conversation to unfold. Just be sure you’ve addressed your own anxieties first so you don’t pass them on unwittingly.

COVID ’21: A Whole New ‘Back to School’ Experience

“The more things change…the more they stay the same.”  This feels incredibly apt right now as families face yet another back-to-school season in the time of Covid.

 What’s really striking is that the collectively relieved parental vibe that clients, family and friends emitted even just a short six weeks ago has in recent days morphed into a lamentable chorus of here-we-go-agains.

Just when it had seemed children might have a quasi-normal, much-needed and highly recommended return to academic life (endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents are once more fretting about sending kids into classrooms and feverishly scanning the headlines for sound medical guidance to allay their fears about the Delta coronavirus variant.

As one mother of a rising 4th grader shared: “While I’m not going to second-guess my city’s decision to return children to the classroom, I have much more anxiety about my unvaccinated child going to school this Fall than I did even a month ago. Naturally, I trust that school administrators have considered all the variables and will instate all the appropriate safety measures so that everyone — kids, teachers and staff — can stay safe. But the situation is far from ideal.”

Far, indeed. It’s hard to predict whether the CDC guidance for Covid prevention in K-12 schools, originally issued on July 9, will get a facelift given the alarming uptick in Covid infections. And it’s not farfetched to suppose that things could completely derail in September because with the pandemic, you just never know.

But one thing is certain: While there are still plenty of unknowns, there is still much parents can do to prepare their K-12 and college students for the coming academic year.  

Manage your negative feelings. There’s a lot at stake this back-to-school season, so parents are facing a mixture of anxious, fearful and even contradictory (e.g., I’m afraid for my kid, but can’t wait for school to start) feelings. No matter what they are, be sure you have a safe place to discharge your anxiety and vent your frustration, either with other parents, a parenting coach, a therapist and/or friends. Address and validate your own experience so that the face your kids see is one they can rely on to help them manage their fears and keep them safe.

Acknowledge the greater good.  Parents the world over are thrilled that the social isolation their have children faced the last 16 months is behind them. Moreover, in-person learning will address the inequities of distance learning exacerbated during the pandemic. These include mitigating the negative impact on academic achievement for students of color and non-English-speaking students; re-bridging the digital divide; and addressing the increase in mental health issues children and adolescents suffered during the pandemic.

Don’t sugarcoat it. Transitions are hard on everyone -- especially kids. So let yours know that it’s okay if they feel a little anxious about going back to school during Covid. If you emphasize how much fun they’ll have and how great it will be, you set your children up with the expectation that everything is going to be rosy. Which means you run the risk that they’ll lock up their fears inside for fear of disappointing you.  

Do make sure you emphasize your confidence that the school will do everything possible to keep them safe. And reassure them that they’ll be able to debrief about their experience every day at home.

Gather as much information from your school district as you can. Now is the time to be a proactive parent. While many school districts will have similar safety measures in place (masking; regular testing; improved ventilation; social distancing; regular hand washing, keeping sick kids home), there will be local variations.

Remember -- the more you know about what the school year will look like, the sooner you can prepare your kids for what’s to come.

·      For early-childhood learners, find out if there will be a pre-visit school day or a Zoom Open House to familiarize your child with their teacher and classroom. Also, try to get a class list and arrange a pre-school play date so that your child will see at least one familiar face on Day 1.

·      For grade-schoolers, be sure to confirm what the drop-off/pick-up protocols will be and share them; consider a practice drill since it’s been such a long time since school was last in session.

·      For teens, continue to be your kids’ frontal lobes. Ask “what if” questions, such as “What are you planning on doing after school? How do you plan to stay safe if you’re around kids that aren’t vaccinated? Role-play with them so they can practice how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Keep a watchful eye on any signs of anxiety.

·      With college students, especially incoming freshmen, ensure they have all the supplies they’ll need (masks, hand sanitizer, etc). Encourage them to research school safety and testing protocols and familiarize themselves with the location and capacities of on-campus medical and mental health resources. Most important, ensure your family has a plan for what to do if they get Covid.

Reorient your kids to the realities of school life. Remote learning has had a profound impact on kids of all ages and grades, and many children may have forgotten about the rigors and challenges of school life. It may surprise them that the transition won’t be as smooth as they expect it to be.

While many children thrived academically during Covid, it could partly be because they had a lot of educational and psychic support at home from parents (or paid teachers/tutors) during the pandemic that they won’t have come Fall.

Engage your kids in conversation about the reality of an all-day scholastic program, the demands of independent learning and self-monitoring, and dealing with social distractions. Stay vigilant, especially in those first couple months. Keep a close watch on their homework and other performance metrics so you can be fully prepared for that first parent-teacher conference.

Many students experienced a loss of academic progress during the pandemic. If this is true for your child, be sure to arrange a meeting with teachers before the school year to set up tutoring or other educational scaffolding your children may need.

Be mindful of the pressures on teachers, school administrators and staff. Families aren’t the only ones feeling frazzled. Returning to the classroom will also be extraordinarily stressful for teachers, administrators and staff who want to keep kids safe while staying healthy themselves. Remember, these professionals went into education because of their passion for helping students learn. On the whole, their efforts during the pandemic have been Herculean, albeit imperfect. Be sure to express your appreciation for everything they do.

Be prepared to pivot. Change is inevitable during normal times, and more so during a global pandemic. So plan vigorously -- but be ready to change when the need arises.

Give Dads Their Due this Father's Day

In my Mother’s Day post last month, I noted the dramatic escalation in the workload and roles that mothers have been experiencing during the pandemic. Even though moms have long logged off from their professional stints only to clock in for a second shift of child- and household care -- the uptick during COVID is something from which few mothers (if any) have fully recovered.

This isn’t to say that the pandemic has been a cakewalk for dads, who experienced a different sort of sea change. Perhaps more accustomed to setting aside familial responsibilities (including the weighty mental load) once they crossed the threshold of their offices, factories or organizations, fathers who migrated home to work remotely were suddenly thrust into the chaos of upended family lives as schools and day cares closed and the country went on lockdown.

For starters, many dads got woke to the massive amounts of energy their wives and/or partners expend in myriad ways caring for the family. Fathers who lost their jobs and found themselves in an at-home parent role reversal learned this in a most immediate way.

From what I’ve heard anecdotally from friends and clients, however, most dads responded vigorously and helpfully to the vast amount of family responsibilities that required renegotiation during the pandemic:

·       who oversees schooling and after-school activities

·       how do daily chores get accomplished

·       how to deal with work meetings that could not be interrupted

·       which responsibilities and chores could (or should) be handed over to kids

·       tending to everyone’s anxiety and uncertainly around the virus

·       helping every family member cope with the abrupt isolation from loved ones, friends and beloved communities

Once the pandemic became a workaday reality, many dads discovered the benefits of parenting 24/7 far outweighed the rigors as this Harvard study found. Among my client base, for example, most dads appreciated the increase in family-centric experiences and traditions (weekly talent shows, dance parties and back-yard camping trips, for example) that made family members feel more connected. And huge numbers of fathers savored the increased opportunities to engage with their kids -- and vice versa.

One working-at-home dad spoke of his 3rd grader who, having learned more about his day job running a college writing center, figured out he could come in mighty handy, especially as her homework had begun to include more writing assignments! Plus, his aptitude for technology perfectly dovetailed with her increased engagement with it because of remote schooling. As her tech abilities grew, he said, so did her interest. Their shared enthusiasm led to increased Dad-daughter time spent making art videos and playing with other tech tools, ultimately strengthening their bond.

I’ve also heard from fathers whose active involvement in their kids’ day-to-day school deepened. Ensuring kids logged onto Zoom on time supporting them academically became de rigueur for many dads, of course. But the real delight was eavesdropping on their kids’ interactions with teachers and students and witnessing them engage with new ideas in real time.

Pandemic family life mimicked pre-Covid life in one significant way: improvements in family cohesiveness were often the result of missteps or frustration that allowed moms and dads alike to (re)learn the value of do-overs. Lost your temper (again)? Apologize to your kids and talk about how you’ll handle it differently the next time. Then there were the multitude of pandemic-induced upsets like the abrupt cancellation of friend visits, school sports and summer camps. These gave parents tons of opportunities to collaborate on new ways to engage kids -- as well as to discover how their parenting choices in response to disappointment can actually build resiliency.

Naturally, dads felt the downside of 24/7/365 family life; who among us didn’t?! One often reported complaint was the virtual obliteration of private time, denying dads the chance to hang with friends, play team sports or engage in personal hobbies or pastimes. But many consider that a small price to pay.

How might the experiences fathers had during COVID translate to their professional lives once the pandemic is firmly behind us? From what I’m hearing my clients and colleagues say, I suspect that dads will push for an explicit reworking of the corporate “benefit” of work-life balance, one that truly accommodates flexibility for remote work and reduced travel so dads can continue to be more present in their children’s lives.

Sadly but not surprisingly, both male and female parents reported mental and physical health declines during COVID. But one study really caught my attention. It reported that 82% of fathers said “they could have used more emotional support” during the pandemic.

So here’s my plug for Father’s Day 2021. Every parent wants to be appreciated and told they’re doing a good job. Dads are no exception. They want to hear specifically -- from their partners and the kids -- what they’re doing well and right. So let’s make Father’s Day 2021 the day we do just that!

#Mother's DAY is Not Enough

“....And Moms are still not OK.”

That’s the line that got me. It appeared in an article about moms and the pandemic that hit my in-box late March.

Fourteen months in, and I’m still hearing from clients and friends that moms bear the brunt of the increased work- and stress-loads brought about by the pandemic. And that’s not even accounting for the lost wages and forfeited gains in the labor force that mothers, especially those of color, have endured due to both the lack of childcare and the persistence of remote K-12 learning. Not to mention centuries of the unpaid, undervalued and unacknowledged labor of women.

For Mother’s ‘Day’ 2021, I say we aim much, much higher when it comes to supporting mothers…because one day out of 365 is not enough respite for anyone.

In fact, let’s tag it: #MothersDAYisnotenough.

I know this defies Rule #1 of successful hashtag creation (“don’tputamillionwordsinonehashtag”), but if ever there was a time for rule-breaking, it’s now…when women are collapsing from the strain of all that’s been put on and taken from them during this past year. 

Moms -- working, single and stay-at-home alike -- have shouldered the primary responsibility for the roles of teacher/tutor, chef, housekeeper, babysitter, therapist and coach imposed by the pandemic. Of course, that’s in addition to any paying work they may have.

This isn’t just anecdotal. Study after study after study provide evidence of the pandemic’s disproportionate impact on mothers’ workload and well-being.

I’m not saying there aren’t some dads and partners out there who hold up 50% of the parenting, caregiving and household burden; nor am I denying that some fathers have stepped up to take on more of the responsibilities of family life during COVID. And there are increasing numbers of fathers who are the primary parent, caregiver and home-keeper. But a study from the Pew Research Center last year noted that despite those efforts, “many of the dynamics between couples haven’t changed much during this turbulent time.”

So now what?

If you’re a mother or the primary parent…

·       I’m like a broken record on this topic, but moms must prioritize self-care -- full stop

o   For starters, on your next walk (sans kids), listen to one of the free webinars on Gemmawomen.com on topics including “Mom Guilt: When Does it End” and “Setting Boundaries with Families”

·       Practice saying “No” (it’s actually a full sentence); you simply cannot do everything -- and everything simply does not need to be done

·       If parenting and other family responsibilities aren’t being fairly distributed between you and your partner, talk honestly with them about what you need

·       Involve your partner and your children in the problem-solving and in the doing, even little kids can (and want to) contribute in the home

·       Share your experience with other moms and enjoy the mutual benefits of support and empathy, as well as the reminder that you’re not alone

·       Refuse to participate in or accept mom-shaming -- on the job, on social media or in conversation; there is no shame in not being able to meet wildly unrealistic expectations -- either your own or society’s

If you’re a dad or the non-primary parent…

·       Transform your approach to Mother’s Day by frankly talking with your co-parent about the caregiving or housekeeping areas where she is feeling particularly stressed…and devise ways you can lighten her load in those arenas going forward

·       Ask the mom in your life how she would like to spend Mother’s Day

·       Acknowledge your partner’s Herculean efforts on behalf of the family during the pandemic…apologize if you’ve not done your share…and demonstrate what you plan to do differently

·       This one is crucial: Initiate a discussion with your wife, partner or co-parent about the “mental load” they carry regarding both parenting and household upkeep. This includes the often-invisible load of anxiety, anticipating, planning and follow-up that moms typically shoulder. For example, some dads may be surprised to know that moms start researching summer camps right after they’ve cleaned up the New Year’s noisemakers. Make a plan to relieve your co-parent of some of this “worry work”

If you’re a friend or family member of a single parent…

·       Check in with single moms regularly to offer emotional support -- and let them know they can call on you in an emergency or just to chat

·       Offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give her a much needed break

·       Call before you go to the grocery store to see what you can pick up for her; or consider giving a gift card for grocery delivery

·       Gently encourage her to not neglect self-care, even if she only has a few minutes a day for it

These are just a few suggestions.  I’m sure if you open up the conversation with the mother you co-parent with or other primary caregivers in your circle, you’ll no doubt hear additional suggestions for how you can make a positive impact on their workload and well-being.

In the meantime, I’m going to give #Mother’sDAYisnotenough a shot. It may not go viral on social or bring about the policy and institutional changes the world needs to make mothering more equitable and primary caregivers less stressed, but if it makes a difference in your home, I’m good.