College Bound Face COVID-19 (Parents, Too!)

Last week, I watched my youngest son, a college junior, drive away from home en route to his off-campus apartment in California. As it happens every time one of my kids leave, a part of me broke. Especially knowing that because of COVID, I won’t be flying out to watch him play his big bass drum during halftime at a football game. And it’s the first time any of the kids have left for college without definitive plans for their next trip home.

As I mourned the loss and struggled with the uncertainty, I reminded myself how grateful I am that my co-parent and I raised three launch-able kids.

Truth be told, a big part of me wished my son would have stayed home and studied online. But he wanted to go back, and he’s proven himself to be a responsible young adult many times over, especially through the pandemic. So as he loaded up the car with his stuff, I supplemented with disinfecting wipes and spray, several boxes of disposable masks, a fully stocked medical kit including a pulse oximeter, an instant-read thermometer and electrolyte tabs -- hoping for the best.

Your student is likely departing soon as well and like the majority of families you’re in the thick of final travel preparations. Yet surprisingly, some campuses are still in flux. 

As of this writing, about a quarter of the nearly 3,000 colleges and universities in the U.S. have not yet decided which educational approach their campus will take: fully online; primarily online; hybrid; primarily in person; fully in person; and “other” (whatever that might mean). Not only is there no national standard, even within large cities, schools are taking varied approaches.

It almost doesn’t matter which pedagogical approach campuses are taking because absolutely nothing will be “normal” about college this year. The near-total loss of a normative college experience -- developing new learning communities, dorm life, study abroad, football season, Greek life, if desired -- is hard on everyone. As parents, we need to manage our own feelings of sadness even as we help our kids manage their expectations.

Considering the high-stakes decision schools are making by welcoming students back to campus, most have exhaustive plans for mitigating contagion on campus, including:

·      Strictly scheduled and time-limited dorm drop-offs

·      Online dorm orientations and at some schools, no roommates

·      No parent-and-family weekends

·      Mask-wearing and social distancing mandates

·      Increased number of remote classes

·      Grab-and-go vs. sit-down cafeterias

·      Big Ten, PAC-12 and other sports (plus bands) off the calendar for Fall

·      Size limits for gatherings

·      Spring study abroad cancelled

·      Regularly coronavirus testing

·      Codified quarantine plans for infected students

·      Severe penalties (suspension and/or expulsion) for those who don’t comply.

Despite the many precautions, every parent is justifiably worried that no matter how careful your kids are, they could contract COVID-19 -- or a campus-wide outbreak could occur. Already a dorm at Colorado College is under quarantine and UNC reported COVID-19 positivity rates at Campus health up from 2.8% to 13.6% in just one week resulting in a complete shift to remote learning for undergraduates.

That’s precisely what parents and students need to plan for. Here’s how:

Flex your parental muscles before they leave. COVID fatigue has set in for a lot of young people. It’s understandable: being vigilant isn’t particularly fun. Our college-bound kids need to understand that they are the sole arbiters of their health and safety on and off campus. That means establishing boundaries with roommates and friends from the start and calling out those who act recklessly. If necessary, they must advocate for themselves by reaching out to administrators or parents for guidance and support.

Have an inviolable communications agreement. No matter how cautious your child is or how much you’ve drilled the importance of safety measures into them, they still may get sick. In some cases, they may be reluctant to tell you. Have an agreement that they will let you know if they start to have any kind of symptoms. They must believe you’re their 9-1-1, no matter what.

HIPPA. Another top priority is to be sure they’ve signed off on the required HIPPA forms so medical providers can legally talk to you if they get sick.

Medical care. Find out in advance what on-campus Health Services are available whether your kid gets COVID or has a chronic condition that increases their risk. Your child needs to know what resources are available. Also, identify a physician/telehealth provider and a hospital near campus. Finally, think through several scenarios whereby near-by relatives or friends may be able to help if your child gets COVID-19 and needs assistance.

Have an exit strategy. If there’s a major outbreak on campus and the school shuts down, they will need an exit plan. This includes knowing what transportation method they will use to get them home or where they’ll stay if they remain.

As parents inevitably learn, no matter how well we plan, nothing is set in stone -- especially now. The best parents can do is be nimble, flexible and ready to pivot as quickly as required. Our children need to be a part of this planning and we need to continue to help them anticipate consequences and think through scenarios.

Pandemic life feels more like a wartime environment than anything I’ve ever experienced as a parent. It’s just that this “enemy” is invisible to the naked eye. All we can do is prepare our kids as best we can, then hope they practice healthy behaviors and adhere to the moral compass we helped them develop.

How Parents can Mitigate their Back-to-School Concerns

“School is all I think about” -- the subject line of a recent NYT parenting email -- perfectly sums up the collective angst around the coming school year for just about every parent I know.

In fact, how to manage what’s next academically has been one of the top concerns on my clients’ minds since April, when I first broached the subject of what parents can do to manage uncertainty during the pandemic.

Five months in, uncertainty is still the watchword when it comes to back-to-school season, from pre-schoolers to the college bound, leaving parents to make their best decisions given the profusion of ever-changing data.

First, there’s the new research out of the Children’s Hospital of Chicago that indicates higher viral loads in young children than previously thought. Complicating the picture, a study in Australia demonstrates “extremely limited” transmission in New South Wales educational settings during the first wave of COVID-19. Science magazine reported on a study that indicates that rampant screening of the whole population is a key to safely reopen schools and business. The latest guidance from the CDC, sadly influenced by politics, hasn’t changed since July 23, even given the new studies. And tragically, while a spotlight has been shined on how to protect children in abusive or neglectful homes for whom school is a lifeline, (20% of reports to child protective services come from educational personnel), a nationwide solution remains elusive.

For most parents, the choice of how to return to the classroom has been made for them. As of August 6th, 17 of the 20 largest school districts in the country have chosen to exclusively educate their students online. Other districts are still finalizing their approach. What still remains unknown is how districts are addressing the deficits in technology hardware and access that remain unaddressed for a number of students.

Those are just some of the large systemic issues that education writ large is facing. Closer to home, there are a number of concerns keeping us parents up at night. But with planning and presence, parents can mitigate them.

1.    Risk of exposure to the coronavirus for staff and students.

Either by school-district mandate or personal choice, many parents are opting for online-only education for their elementary and high-school aged kids largely because it is the safest bet, even though it runs counter to advice from some pediatric experts.

The latest data about young kids and COVID-19 hugely impacts parents of pre-schoolers and rising kindergarteners -- particularly if these youngsters and their parents are in regular contact with elderly or immune-compromised people. If sending young children to in-person schools or preschools, parents need to give little ones lots of practice wearing masks for extended periods of time now so it becomes routinized come Day 1. And if your children are washing their hands as much as they ought to be, keep a special eye out for peeling, rashes and cracking and tend to them daily.

Understanding school rules and expectations for in-person learning will help you prepare your kids and keep them and their teachers safe. Not traveling to hot spots and practicing smart social distancing for two weeks in advance of returning to school is vital, as is continued vigilance.

2.     Academic engagement and rigor.

Amid the chaos of the abrupt transition to distance learning this past March, many pedagogical principles took a back seat. So did teacher expectations of students. But come September, that will hopefully change now that teachers have flattened the distance-learning curve and have had time to plan.

That’s not to say that there won’t be variation in teacher preparedness. If you don’t feel the online classroom is challenging enough (or if you have other concerns), bring it to the attention of the teacher and/or administration, as you would have in the past. School staff may be remote, but they remain accountable for their work. Your kids will be learning from home, but they aren’t being educated in a vacuum.

If your child’s achievement is a concern, an effective strategy to alleviate online hurdles is to recall what worked -- and didn't work -- about distance learning for your particular children and put tweaks in place to address the discrepancies. For example, if in the Spring you were quick to jump in when your middle-schoolers struggled with an online assignment, take a more encouraging-but-hands-off approach so they can get better at independent learning.

When school is ‘live’, there are many built-in cues to help kids anticipate what was coming next, which actually prepared them for better learning. Students (of all ages) respond favorably to structure, so build routine into your children’s school day, especially if the online learning isn’t synchronous.  A huge help in this regard is a weekly family meeting. These gatherings don’t just let everyone know what to expect in the coming week, they also give kids and parents alike a chance to learn from missteps and contribute to family harmony. After you create your family’s daily or weekly schedule, hang it in a highly trafficked spot in your home. There are numerous examples on-line.

example taken from caps.k12.va.us

acps.k12.va.us

Remember that many children will find themselves without the necessary resources to succeed and are much more vulnerable at this time. If you are a parent with resources to spare, find local organizations and donate!

3.  Social-emotional engagement of students with both teachers and peers.

As with most things related to children, the short- and long-term impact of decreased social and emotional engagement due to the pandemic depends on your kids’ personality. I know some students who prefer online connection that have actually flourished during the pandemic, both personally and academically.

Others, who thrive on in-person social engagement, as well as some only children, may be suffering. The last thing you want to happen is for your child to be in pain -- or learn to hate school solely because of the isolation of distance learning. As parents, this is the time to figure what works for your kid yet keeps your family within your coronavirus comfort level.

One strategy is to find someone who can act as a big brother or big sister…a combination tutor and playmate…who can engage with your child in a way that produces both a feeling of connection and positive learning outcomes.

Another idea is to do what many families did over the course of the summer and expand your individual family circle with one or two other families with like-minded protective practices to create a multiple-family pod. Pods help alleviate the extreme isolation of the pandemic while providing their kids with playmates who can keep them company during the school year -- even if they aren’t in the same class.

Child-teacher engagement, a vital contributor to effective learning, is obviously more difficult when learning is both distant and asynchronous. A fair number of schools are planning a hybrid of synchronous and asynchronous teaching so kids can have engagement with teachers; it also guards against digital burnout.

Yes, child-teacher engagement is more challenging when learning is remote, but it’s also an opportunity for older kids to be guided to self-advocate for their needs by setting up communication strategies that work for both teacher and student. Even younger kids, aided by parents, can email teachers and request some one-on-one time.

In either case, be thoughtful and empathic about your expectations of teachers. After all, they are most likely facing the same challenges of full-time work and helping their kids learn from home as you are!

4.    Keeping kids physically active.

I hear this concern from my clients all the time. My point of view is that this is one area when parents need to step in and set clear boundaries and expectations. Being healthy (don’t make it about weight or appearance) is a family value that parents need to model every day.

A multitude of articles from credible medical sources speak to the importance of physical activity during the pandemic because it reduces stress, improves cardio-vascular health, boosts the immune system and improves sleep.

So what to do? Make it a priority by clearly building it into your weekly family calendar. During your family meetings, brainstorm fresh exercise ideas to try each week. Online are a slew of free apps many with virtual classes that require little space or special equipment. Exercise as a family (or pod) with bike rides, dance parties, jogs around the block and “team” sports. Make it a challenge by giving family members who reach weekly exercise goals an award. Embrace new activities and encourage your older kids to research the myriad options available on-line.

5.    Preparing kids for the “new normal.”

Whether school is online, remote or a mash-up, things are going to be very different come September. It is essential that parents contact schools in advance to find out what is being planned so you can prepare your children.

If your kids are actually going to school for in person learning, they need to know in advance that there will be dramatic changes. Parents will no longer be walking their little ones into the school. Once inside, there will be fewer students and staff in the classroom, where desks will likely be 6 feet apart. Mandatory hand washing will be the norm. Teachers will be the ones moving from classroom to classroom; students will stay put. Hallways will be one-way. Lunch will be at your desk. Recess will be closely monitored to maintain social distancing. Masks will be worn by everyone.  

Even distance learning will “feel” different than it did this past Spring, when the transition was abrupt and unplanned. In the first days and weeks of the school year in particular, set aside time to talk to your children about what felt different and what they liked and didn’t like. Stay on top of your kids’ anxieties -- and your own -- and get the support you need to accommodate them.

4.    Continuing impact on parents’ personal and professional lives.

This is a huge issue -- especially for parents of school-aged kids. If you’re lucky enough to have a co-parent, success starts by collaborating with your partner.

Talk to one another about how you’ll share responsibilities, drawing on the best of what you did in the Spring. If you’re lucky enough to be working remotely, talk to your boss about maintaining flexibility; fortunately, most bosses are likely to be prepared for these conversations. Make the necessary adjustments within your team as well. If team meetings have been on Monday mornings at 8 during the summer, suggest they occur mid-morning, so parents can help kids settle into their distance-learning routine.

Life is always harder for single parents, working or not. Single parents need to come up with a cohort to share the responsibility. If extended family isn’t available, send a note to others on the block to seek like-minded parents who will join a pod that provides a safety net for parents and support for kids.

For all working parents, one strategy that works extremely well is to create a red-yellow-green sign that indicates a working parent’s availability. Red means “please wait” (unless there’s blood, of course!) yellow means “enter if it can’t wait until [insert time]” and green means “come on in.” Don’t overuse the red if you want the system honored.

You can also set up a low drawer with healthy snacks and water that kids can help themselves to during the day. Let older kids have a little more responsibility for their younger siblings. I’ll give you that parents in previous generations gave older siblings too much responsibility, but nowadays parents are loathe to give them much at all. Do it anyway; kids are capable of much more than we give them credit for.

Most importantly, make the time for your and your partner to have the personal and shared time you need to put yourselves and your relationship first. When you make yourselves a priority through parental self-care, you can trust the rest will fall into place.

These are extremely challenging times for parents and families. You won’t find me saying they’re not. And success requires plenty of planning, resilience -- and a hefty sense of humor. No parent is going to do it perfectly. But as parents around the globe are facing the same challenge, we will have lots of company.

Then there’s this: I believe parents who live by and model their shared values will find the going a little easier simply because they know what they’re doing is the best possible thing for their kids given the extraordinary circumstances.

Let’s get started…I think I hear the bell!

p.s.  I’ll address college students in a post coming very soon! If you have questions in the meantime, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

Pandemic Parenting - A Pause to Say Bravo!

Parenting during a pandemic is like nothing parents have ever had to face.

The dangers of the coronavirus led to a lockdown, working remotely, homeschooling, addressing our kids’ compounding disappointments, at-home-summer-camp coordination -- not to mention monitoring regular hand-washing, masks and social distancing. Altogether, it’s been over four months of unparalleled stress. If your kids are still upright at the end of each day, you have done an outstanding job. No question about it.

So at this mid-summer juncture, I wanted to simply say Bravo, Parents! 

In truth, I have been blown away by my clients’ and other parents’ resilience during the last four months. I’ve heard (and experienced) just how hard it is to do one’s paying job while managing all the extra roles parents have had to take on  -- and this goes doubly for parents of young and school-aged kids. More disheartening, every parent has had to deal with the uncertainty, ambiguity and fear about how long this situation might last, feelings that sometimes permeate every (sometimes-unending) day.

In talking to parents, several approaches that have been especially helpful have repeated themselves with regularity:

·      A literal change of scenery, if resources allow…or a virtual shift in daily / weekly activities if you’re unable to leave home

·      A resurgence of and increase in family meetings, so that every member of the family can get involved and buy into helping the family thrive despite the difficulties

·      Cooperating and creating opportunities for family engagement versus pointing fingers at who’s not doing what

·      Preparing and eating at least one meal a day as a family

·      Relinquishing some of the 100% hands-on care we wrongly think a “good” parent always provides

Still, I have to acknowledge that even these things don’t make the problems related to the coronavirus go away or give us a sense of what the future holds, which is the thing we and our children are craving most.

For parents, “not knowing” is probably one of the biggest challenges of the pandemic. After all, parents are accustomed to coming up with solutions to the constant flow of problems life and kids throw our way, but at this moment we have no control over what happens outside our homes -- even though it affects us profoundly. We can’t control the virus. We can’t control government mandates. We can’t make plans that our kids can count on. There are tons of what-ifs.

Given all this stress and uncertainty, every parent is experiencing burnout and major COVID fatigue. That’s why I invite every parent to make sure taking care of yourself is at the very top of your list each day. Try using these suggestions or craft some techniques that work for you:

·      Mindfulness / Meditation / Deep breathing (include the kids if you can)

·      Regular exercise and outside time

·      Consistent bedtime / wake-up schedules

·      Color…listen to music…rock in a rocking chair or hammock -- anything that is self-soothing

·      Limit multi-tasking

·      REPEAT daily…and at any point when you become anxious about the uncertainty of it all

Most important, give yourselves a pat on the back for all you and your family have weathered these last four months.

As each week has passed -- without being conscious of it -- your family has been writing the story of your resilience during an exceptional time in human history. So take a few minutes during a quiet time and jot down some memories of your family’s COVID chapter. Write down the things you’ve accomplished against enormous odds. Take the time to note the things that worked and even those that didn’t. Reflect on what your kids have learned -- and the surprisingly things you’ve learned about them as they’ve weathered their COVID experience.

Above all, acknowledge that while you may not have done it perfectly, you’ve survived and your family is intact and perhaps even thriving in some ways. You’ve been great. So please, revel in it.

The next chapter is just ahead.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Racism

When the magnitude of racism erupts throughout society, as it has since the violent deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, you can bet that kids will have copious questions and challenging feelings. Given that the public outcry is as widespread and politicized and combustible as it is now…their questions and feelings will be even more pressing and troubling.

As parents, our job is to engage our children in conversations that are direct, age-appropriate and fact- and values-based. Here are 3 key areas in which to anchor your approach:

·      Awareness - being open to learning and speaking honestly and factually about race in America

·      Acknowledgement - validating your children’s feelings (and your own)

·      Action - defining ways your family can work toward creating a more just and equitable world

Let’s start with awareness.

For white parents, educating ourselves about racism isn’t about being reactive or expressing our outrage. It means learning about and facing the systemic oppression and institutionalized inequities that have favored whites and subjugated blacks.

Hard truths, to be sure, but truth nonetheless. That’s job #1. Once we have educated ourselves and confronted our own feelings, we will be more adept at helping our children. It’s critical to understand that our education is ongoing. Part of my personal journey to awareness has been acknowledging all that I do not know or understand and committing to learn more.

Job #2 is ensuring that talking about racism, as well as the value of diversity, becomes an ongoing family conversation.

In black families, these discussions have been happening for decades because to raise a black child in America is to raise them in a world that generally treats them as suspect. Plus, black parents know that the larger society isn’t structured to instill pride in and empower black children, so they must take on that task themselves.

In white families -- where privilege is conferred simply by virtue of skin color -- parents need to foster ongoing dialogue about how the differences between people doesn’t confer different value about people. Actually, scholars say such talk should start when kids are preschoolers. Too early, you might think? Far from it. As I pointed out in a post on teaching the value of diversity, studies reveal that kids as young as 4 demonstrate a marked bias regarding skin color and gender even when they themselves are from a minority group.

But the type of dialogue that’s required now that we’re in the crucible of racial unrest is different.

So let’s talk the present-day importance of hearing and acknowledging your kids’ experiences.

It bears repeating that parents need to reinforce your family’s values about equality. And if there is unrest or rioting going on where you live, it’s important to reassure your kids that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.

Naturally, our kids’ ages dictates the tenor of how these conversations unfold. My young-adult children who are quarantining with me during the pandemic are outraged about current events, and we have had deep and wide-ranging discussions about our complicity in the social construct of racism and our privilege.

Teens, who come to family discussions with an arsenal of information garnered from social media, are often eager to share their insights and experiences with parents and siblings. Their viewpoint, while age-appropriately naïve, should still be respected and, when necessary, challenged by your broader perspective. In other words, don’t pretend to be an expert on race relations but do provide historical and other context when appropriate. And remember, when parents share our own feelings of frustration and despair, kids feel safer to share theirs too.

With school-aged kids and younger, who may have heard or seen the news but are much less capable of processing it, the role of the parent as child advocate becomes most crucial.

In an earlier post on helping kids cope with violent events, I said that the most important job of parents before having a discussion about societal violence is to find out what your kids already know. In the current situation, if they are aware that something bad happened to black people but haven’t seen the video of the officer’s knee on Mr. Floyd’s neck or images of protestors being dispersed with tear gas, you can decide the specifics of what you share.

Jacqueline Douge, MD, a Maryland pediatrician and child advocate, suggests that because kids understand the concept of fairness, they will understand when you explain that what happened is that black and brown people were treated unfairly simply because of the color of their skin.

And with school-aged and younger kids, be especially mindful of your conversations with other adults within earshot of little ones, and be mindful of their exposure to explicit media reports and images.

Now let’s address action. This is an every-family-member-on-deck practice. And like family conversations about equality and racism, action also needs to be ongoing.

With young kids, parents can talk about how to act on the playground and what to do if they witness kids of color being bullied or ignored. Parents can be more inclusive when it comes to birthday parties or other kid celebrations. Teens can identify where their behavior with peers can be improved and how they might foster discussion among their friends or even school-wide. As a family, you might discuss where to donate money if you have the resources, as well as where and how to volunteer and work toward unity. Families that have businesses might consider donating a percentage of their sales to organizations that fight inequality. I know many of us are overwhelmed with feelings; many of us are unsure what to do. I don’t have all of the answers. I just know that action matters. Take time to become more aware; find ways to acknowledge your experience; do not fail to act. We all have to be a part of the solution in whatever lane we choose.

For parents looking for resources for family discussions about race and current events, I highly recommend these:

·      The National Museum of African American History & Culture’s online guide to “Talking About Race” includes a special section for parents and caregivers

·      The New York Times recently published an article highlighting books for parents and kids of all ages to “help start the conversation” at home

·      Child Mind Institute has a live conversation on Facebook about how parents can talk to kids about racism and violence  

How to Craft a DIY Safe, Fun (& Resilient) COVID Summer

In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.

Well…it’s here.

While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have  already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.

As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.

But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.

As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.

Now that has been taken from them too.

The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.

Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:

·      Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging

·      Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it

·      Validate their feelings and be empathic

·      Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever

·      Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it

·      Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up

·      Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege  

·      Help them shift their focus to the things they can control  

As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.

And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.

Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?

One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.

A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.

And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).

I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.

There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.

Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.

SUMMER 2020 Online Resources

activityhero.com  Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.

camp.wonderopolis.org   FREE online summer-learning destination.

connectedcamps.com   Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17

creativebug.com   Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos. 

diy.org   Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.

idtech.com   Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.  

https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.

https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org   Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.

mycampbox.com    Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.

outschool.com   Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.

ctd.northwestern.edu   Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.

unicoistudio.com   “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.

varsitytutors.com    Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.

wideopenschool.org   A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.

What's Next? Planning a COVID-19 Summer

Just as parents the world over were coming to grips with the reality that school would be virtual for the rest of the academic year, a new unknown loomed: What will summer look like in the midst of a worldwide pandemic?

This much we can assume -- it will not be summer as usual.

The sad fact is the virus isn’t going away. The science on whether or not summertime heat will “quiet” the virus is inconclusive at best. Even the once-promising impact of antibody testing isn’t a guarantee that we will be safe from reinfection or from infecting others. Nor can we predict what local or state restrictions will be. In short - we’re not going to get a green-light reprieve from the confines and challenges of the current situation.

So now what?

First, remember you’re not alone. Every parent and family is facing the same uncertainties and worries about how to maintain family health and unity throughout the summer in these unprecedented times. The not-so-good news is that no one delivers a one-size-fits-all solution that will make the questions of what to do this summer fall neatly into place. Each family’s plan needs to be individualized to fit your unique circumstances and needs.

What I offer is a template for what to be thinking about so you will be better equipped to create a new version of summer this year.

1.     Take a deep breath. I know I am not alone in craving normalcy. Take a moment to digest the additional potential losses for yourself and your children. Camp, summer travel, summer jobs, etc. Each new loss can compound feelings of despair and heighten anxiety. Acknowledge this reality, but don’t allow it to keep your from the next steps.

2. Don’t wait to start strategizing. Don’t put your head in the sand in hopes that a cure or vaccine will make your what-if planning unnecessary. Compared to our old lives, the world could remain shut down -- including social distancing and stay-at-home orders -- for a couple more weeks or months. Make it a priority to think through various what-if scenarios with your partner, co-parent and/or family and close friends.

3.     Assess your financial situation. If both parents are lucky enough to still have jobs, will one of you need to take a leave from work if your risk tolerance precludes sending kids to childcare or if summer camps don’t open? If you are a single working parent and don’t have the option of not working, what, if any, sources of outside income or support can you call upon?

4.     Assess your risk tolerance. What are your feelings about being part of the first wave of workers returning to an office setting? If either or both parents are called back to work in an office setting, are you willing to take the risk of possible exposure to the virus or do you need to negotiate with your boss about continuing to work remotely?

As far as kids are concerned, are you comfortable sending children to childcare centers, camps or park districts this summer?

5.     If you’re divorced, talk with your co-parent. Managing children between two households can be tough in normal times. Be sure to have a frank conversation about your respective needs and obligations over the summer with your co-parent. Utilize a mediator if necessary.

6.     Contact your daycare centers and summer-camps.

The CDC has already issued guidelines for daycare centers. If your particular daycare center closed now but is reopening this summer, ask hard questions about their cleaning regimens and other plans to keep children safe. If they don’t have one this far into the crisis, consider investigating other providers.

If you’ve already registered your kids for summer camps, call and find out if they are strategizing options for families such as Camp-in-a-Box or other virtual experiences. Some camps may open depending on geography, so find out if they are instituting precautions such as limiting the number of children per group.

Parents of teens scheduled to work as camp counselors this summer also need to consider their tolerance for risk, as well as what to do if your teen gets the virus.

Many summer camps (local or sleep-away) are awaiting final CDC guidelines. Be sure to sign up for weekly CDC updates via newsletter.

7.     Look to your tribe. It’s virtually impossible to maintain the existing scenario of being a full-time caregiver and maintain a full-time career. Since every family is going to need help, what is your tolerance for widening your quarantine circle? Can you bring parents, siblings or other close relatives into your orbit to help? What about neighborhood resources? Can parents help homebound teens on your block create a safe local version of “summer camp”?

As the pandemic has unfolded, I’ve spoken with many parents -- of both single and multiple children -- who are immensely concerned about the negative impact of ongoing social isolation on their kids. I hear the concerns -- and empathize completely. But children truly are resilient -- as long as parents remain engaged with them throughout this ordeal.

Expose them to what’s happening in the world and take advantage of the many teaching opportunities the pandemic offers. Provide lessons in empathy and community engagement by helping them sew masks to distribute or send thank-you cards to essential workers or isolated seniors. Help them gain essential skills like cooking, proper housecleaning and planting a garden. Engage their bodies and guard their mental health by building lots of physical activity and movement into their days (and yours!). Above all, be there when they need to vent or cry or express their feelings about their seemingly dashed end-of-school and summer plans. Be compassionate about the losses they are experiencing even as you practice gratitude for good health, resources, etc.

As absolutely tough as this is -- on every one of us -- I firmly believe families can and will recover. COVID-19 is offering an unsolicited master-class in resilience. Now is the time to start to think about what’s next for yourself and your family.

The Unexpected Blessings of Sheltering at Home

One blessing…A family’s way of honoring each other at a weekly award ceremony!

People worldwide are experiencing a multitude of stressors due to the raging COVID-19 pandemic. For moms and dads in particular, the challenges of trying to simultaneously be full-time parents and, often, full-time employees, have brought many a competent adult to the breaking point.

But then, out of the blue and often just when it is needed most, a friend reaches out with a word of support…a brother makes a daily effort to connect with his sister…an unexpected gift appears on a doorstep…or a child intuitively offers Mommy a huge hug.

These are just a few of the gifts parents are discovering as we inch our families forward -- moment by moment, day by day -- through the single most momentous global happening in a century.

As stated so eloquently in a recent Esalen Institute newsletter:

“No other moment in recent history has brought the world together on one singular path quite like the COVID-19 pandemic…reminding us that this juncture is allowing us to strengthen our connection with ourselves and each other even more. By doing so, we have the capacity to expand our human potential in ways we may have never imagined.”

In my work as a parenting coach and through my philanthropic service, I’ve been hearing about the many unintended gifts of this time -- and the inherent beauty of the directive to “shelter” at home. For what else ought our homes be for our children and are families if not a shelter and sanctuary from an invisible enemy?

And when could it be more important than right now, when our compliance can quite plainly mean the difference between life and death?

Here is just a sampling of the ‘gifts’ I’ve been hearing about:

·      Being able to FaceTime one’s parents every day

·      Dropping off a box of presents and singing “Happy Birthday” to a 5-year-old (from a safe distance!)

·      Beginning a tradition of weekly family meetings

·      The privilege of having jobs we can perform remotely, providing incomes to care for our families

·      A 12-year-old’s suggestion that her family create handmade COVID-19 awards for one another and bestow them weekly in a ceremony complete with a podium and Olympic music; her mother’s prized award to date is the ‘Best at Admitting You Were Wrong’ Award!

·      One mother of two hadn’t realized just how much she missed her busy 3rd grader until schools closed; she is now savoring this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend more time with both her girls

·      A profusion of craft-making and game-playing

·      “Found time” with college-aged kids who know they are safe and wanted back at home

·      Families becoming “communities” committed to fully participating in all the chores required to make a house a home

·      Zoom or other video-enabled gatherings to continue celebrating birthdays and other important occasions -- and simply to reconnect with friends with whom we’ve lost touch in the busyness of life before the pandemic

·      Family pets that offer unconditional love 24/7 -- and a reason to get much-needed exercise

·      Being mindful of what brings us meaning rather than simply checking items off a to-do list

A final thought:  Globally, there are many, many parents less privileged by race, geography and systemic inequities who are unable to provide for their children’s most basic needs or shield them from the effects of the coronavirus and the impact of lost livelihoods. If you are able, consider giving of your resources to organizations helping families in need both in your local communities and worldwide.

COVID-19, Quarantine and Divorce

I was recently invited to collaborate on an expert panel and share some insights on how to deal with the stress of life and divorce on hold and self-quarantine with someone you no longer wish to be married to. Here are my best tips:

So you were in the midst of divorce or separation and then COVID-19 happened and now you find yourself quarantined with a spouse you don’t want to be with... what now?

As a parent coach, I want to focus my advice on those of you with children in the house.

Whether they are toddlers or college age kids who have been forced home, you must show them your best selves right now.  As a divorce survivor myself, I feel your pain. At whatever place you were in your separation or divorce proceedings, you had made the decision to end your marriage and now that is on hold.... along with the rest of your life. This situation is challenging for all and can seem untenable for those of you suffering in your marriage.

But, your children have to come first here.

They look to us for the answers and we don’t have many for them right now. They don’t know when they are returning to school, when they can see their grandparents, or when they can go back to the park. What you CAN (and should) do is practice effective co-parenting. If and when you are able to separate/divorce you will have to navigate co-parenting so it’s a good opportunity to practice. Stop focusing on you vs. me and start focusing on us vs. COVID-19.

Once you survive this crisis you can get back to figuring out your next steps.

While you are stuck inside together I do not recommend trying to negotiate the parenting plans for the future. Navigating issues around custody, visitation and vacation schedules is not optimal right now as it’s hard to take a break when things feel contentious. Instead work together to take care of yourselves, the kids, your work responsibilities and the house.

Check out my ten tips for parents. These are particularly relevant for you as you have the added stress of your in flux situation.

1.) Manage your own anxiety. Get the support you need so you don’t escalate fear for your children.

2.) Stay informed. The CDC website is loaded with valuable information for parents. In addition, stay on top of communication from your children’s school, pediatrician, tutors, etc.

3.) Focus on what you CAN control. It’s important for our children to still feel like they are empowered. Involve older kids in setting up hand washing stations in the house; create a checklist to wipe down handles, light switches and knobs regularly and assign the tasks.

4.) Make a plan. Structure is important for kids and they like being able to anticipate what is happening next. Post your daily schedule and use colors and pictures for little ones. Be mindful of work demands for yourself and your partner as you plan the day. NO parent can be effective if they do not have an opportunity for self-care.

5.) Be prepared to PIVOT. You may need to revisit the plan as the situation changes. Be flexible.

6.) Have family meetings. A weekly forum (or more frequent if necessary) to check in with each other will help manage the stress of all of this together time.

7.) Dedicate private space. Everyone should have a special place in your home that is just his/hers. It can be a fort in the corner of the living room, but privacy is important.

8.) Don’t isolate emotionally or psychologically. Stay connected to your extended family, friends and community. We are all in this together. Use technology (FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp) to check in and ‘see’ each other.

9.) Share your best ideas. Post a great pantry staple recipe. Share a fun family game.

10.) Do something for someone else. Have your kids write a letter to a senior in an assisted living facility. Donate to your local food pantry. Buy a gift certificate for a restaurant in your area.

You can read the full article here: Coronavirus, Self-Quarentine and Divorce