Why Pandemic Self-Care for Parents is Paramount

Take a minute to take a few deep breaths.

If that short pause is all the time you have for self-care today, I get it. But I’ll bet you wish you had time for more.

It’s been an extraordinarily rough seven-plus months of the pandemic, punctuated by the supremely stressful back-to-school season. One mom, whose kids who are at school “in person,” told me feels that she’s a better parent now that her kids are gone during the day.

That’s telling. The majority of parents have been burning the candle from both ends. Unfortunately, that block of wax is down to the quick and you’re running on fumes, hoping you can “power through” yet another week of remote work, remote schooling and all the rest that’s on your plate.

This way of life is simply unsustainable. Especially since experts are telling us there’s no way to reliably predict an end date for when life will go back to “normal.” That’s why parents need to bolster our immune systems and strengthen our resilience in whatever ways we can -- every day if possible -- so that everyone in our families can emerge from this unique period with our health and our sense of purpose intact.

The key is parental self-care -- and I’ve long been a proponent of it. Years ago when I started this blog, it was with a two-parter on the topic. But those pre-pandemic days were easier for parents by comparison.

Please know this: I am not trying to add to your to-do list. Self-care during the pandemic is not about learning a new language or taking up the ukulele. It’s about ameliorating the universal problem of parental burnout given the burden parents are facing.  Self-care will enable you to better manage all of the challenges you are facing. To that end, here are some suggestions for retooling your approach to self-care in several arenas.

Physical and Emotional Health.  Tending to our physical and emotional well-being has never been more important. See if you can incorporate just one idea -- or an idea of your own -- this coming week.

Physical health

·      Exercise as often as you can, outside when possible; if you’re super pressed for time, try breaking exercise into smaller, more doable chunks. When on non-video calls I am now standing rather than sitting.

·      Adhere to regular bedtimes / wakeups for everyone. At the very least, have everyone in their bedrooms and winding down at set times

·      Use these meal-prep time-savers to “make” time for exercising

o   Plan a week’s worth of healthy meals each weekend so you’re only thinking about meal prep, including making grocery lists and shopping, once a week versus every day

o   Make a double batch of a favorite recipe and do meal exchanges within your pod

o   Use part of your unused entertainment budget to get as-healthful-as-possible carryout -- especially on the busiest days

o   Give older kids responsibility for fixing meals either alone or with siblings at least one night/week; this both takes something off your plate and lets your kids learn a new skill

Emotional health

·      Journaling, meditation, and yoga are all great tools for emotional health; if these aren’t for you, find other centering activities you like

·      Leverage the availability and flexibility of online support groups

·      Acknowledge and share how you’re feeling with an empathic friend; if you’re anxious or sad, say so; don’t be afraid to ask for what you need

·      Arrange a tele-health appointment with a parenting coach or therapist if you feel the need; sometimes a check-in is all you need to feel OK about how you’re doing

Give your marriage / partnership the attention it needs.  Given how much forced togetherness you and your partner have had lately, this may seem antithetical. But here’s why focusing on our partnerships is critical:

·      Your kids are paying extremely close attention to how you’re treating one another and working together now that the stakes are raised 

·      As partners, we need more compassion from one another; use this opportunity for self-compassion and to express more compassion to your partner

·      Amp up your communication about the additional demands on your lives and make sure the home / work / home-schooling duties (and stress) are shared

·      Establish screen-free times for you and your partner when your relationship can take center stage

Fortify (or create) your pod. A pandemic is not the time to parent in isolation. If you feel extremely risk-averse about COVID-19 (and I can relate), create a pandemic pod with people who are taking the same COVID precautions you are.

·      Given the duration of the pandemic, it’s vital for kids and adults alike to socialize within a safe circle of like-minded folks

·      Consider using your trusted tribe to help manage distance learning: if you and your pod mates are dual-working parents, perhaps share the expense of hiring a teacher’s aid to help the kids in a blended classroom, or consider sharing among you the role of “teacher’s aid” so everyone can get a free morning or afternoon.

Pat yourself on the back!  We’re nearly eight months into a global pandemic with a deadly and novel virus that scientists are still learning about -- not to mention all the political and cultural upheaval -- and you and your family have survived!

·      Acknowledge and celebrate your resilience…and even the tiniest of victories

·      Be especially mindful of your self-talk and dial down any self-criticism; keep your internal chatter positive and compassionate

·      Don’t up the ante on expectations of yourself or your partner; everyone is doing their best to survive these trying times and may not always be playing their “A” game

Banish guilt and comparison parenting.  Sadly, the pandemic offers multiple opportunities for parents to feel we’re falling short. But know this: every parent is struggling. There’s not a parent out there who feels comfortable with the vast array of decisions they’ve been forced to make during the pandemic, often with inadequate information to support them.

·      The premise of my practice has always been to reassure clients that the right thing for their family is always what they think is the right decision; so figure out what’s right for you and do the best you can

·      Continue to make decisions based on your parenting values.

·      Let go of outcomes; if your decisions and actions were made in good faith, accept what comes, even (especially!) when things don’t turn out as you hoped

·      Remind yourself regularly that our kids will come out of the pandemic intact as long as they know they are safe and loved and that we have their backs

·      Refuse to parent-shame yourself or others

·      Reduce your consumption of social media sites that paint a rosy picture of pandemic parenting -- especially now at the start of a new, largely at-home school year.

Find things to be grateful for.  When your life feels turned completely upside down, finding things to be grateful for can seem futile. But the benefits of gratitude are plentiful and they’re backed by research. Given the impact of the pandemic, what have you got to lose by trying?

Students Report on 'K-12 During COVID'

This summer, my coaching calls with parents torn about sending their kids to college campuses were predictably interspersed with calls from K-12 parents concerned about what the upcoming school year would be like for their children.

Managing work, school and family life during a pandemic has proven to be an incredibly difficult challenge for parents of K-12ers. Kids, on the other hand, have mostly proven to be pretty resilient. Over the last seven months, the realities and the constraints of the pandemic have sunk in, and they learned to make the best of a tough situation -- with one major caveat. Most are feeling the fundamental absence of social-emotional engagement with their friends, and even with other students, teachers and staff (who doesn’t remember a favorite janitor, security guard or beloved crossing guard?). As a comprehensive article on the impacts of distance learning makes clear, “Many things that happen in schools simply cannot happen at a distance.”

Four weeks into the 2020/2021 school year, I decided to modify my most recent post about how college students are adapting and turn the focus on K-12 students.

But first, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to K-12 teachers, most of whom devoted their summers to a crash course in remote technology and pedagogy, ensuring that their students’ classroom experience this Fall would not be as haphazard and fraught as it was last Spring.

Now, let’s hear from our K-12 learners.

Kindergarteners -- Private Elementary Schools, Chicago, IL and Haverford, PA (Kindergarteners are so cute, I had to include two!)

Our first tyke, a super social boy, really struggled last Spring with the lack of structure after his school closed. He terribly missed learning new things and being with his friends. Thrilled to be in kindergarten, Mom says he’s been bounding into the building every day! (So sweet.)

Interestingly, COVID protocols have been virtually invisible to this young boy. He talks about having to wash his hands a lot, but without any negative affect. Same with masks. While wearing a mask all day was tough day one, it’s become so normalized Mom says he simply grabs it when leaving the house for any reason. To him, it’s just what you do in kindergarten! Yet another sign of the resiliency and adaptability of children.

I was really pleased to hear that his teachers use clear masks when doing letter and sound recognition -- anything phonics related -- so kids can see the teachers’ mouths move and match those movements with the sounds they’re hearing. What a simple yet supremely effective adaptation.

Mom has been incredibly impressed with how the school managed and communicated their reopening and operational plans. Everyone acknowledges the risks with in-person classes, but staff and parents alike feel the kids are safe and secure. One ingenious idea the school has employed to mitigate risk is to teach the kindergarteners an adapted sign language they can use to communicate during lunch when they aren’t wearing masks.

When I asked our Haverford, PA kindergartener, an energetic and happy soul, what school was like, I got an enthusiastic, “It’s fun!”  As it should be.

Her mom echoed the appreciation for the school’s approach to safety. While the pre-pandemic kindergarten class size was 18, this Fall they capped enrollment at 12 while still retaining the same amount of staff; three teachers and one aide. Before kids get out of the car, they get a temperature check. As long as the weather is palatable, all teaching and activities take place outdoors, with everyone wearing masks and staying six feet apart. There is a sink outside for regular hand washing and kids sit on parent-supplied yoga mats on the cricket field (it’s a lab school on a college campus). When the weather is inclement, the children are split between the upstairs and downstairs rooms of the schoolhouse so that social-distancing protocols can be maintained.

My favorite creative idea from this school was that while the teachers are always masked, each wears an apron that sports a full-sized picture of their unmasked face! Nice touch.

When I try to imagine what it must be like to be 5 or 6 and have to wear a mask all day and not be able to hug and be close to your friends, it sounds difficult. But this little girl just rolls with the punches. She was more interested in telling me “what I love best is that I made new friends” and all about “T, B and F” -- the letters she’s learned so far this year! Aside from the fact that she “misses her big sister” who goes to school at home, there’s nothing about school she doesn’t like. Except this: “Actually, I don’t like it when my friends fall down and get hurt.”

3rd Grader - Public Elementary School, Evanston/Skokie, IL

This cheerful 3rd grader’s most treasured pre-pandemic school memory is that she got to celebrate her birthday last March with her classmates “in person” -- just days before the pandemic forced schools to abruptly go remote. Her recollection of the rest of 2nd grade is a series of ever-changing deadlines for returning to school and technologically unprepared teachers -- a rough situation that she “just dealt with.”  

Her magnet public elementary school outfitted each of her classmates with a Chromebook laptop that she uses to access both Zoom (for academic subjects) and Google Classroom (for activities like PE, art, drama and library). With her feet now firmly planted in 3rd grade, she feels “super lucky with the teachers that I got” and is basically enjoying school -- “especially library, because I love books!”

When asked what she likes most and least about distance learning, she said so far she likes that there is less homework, although the prospect of difficult math challenges like division and multiplication loom. Her least fave? “Too many meetings in Google Classroom! You only get 40 minutes to eat lunch -- and you have to do workbook pages then, too. There’s just not enough break time.”

Afterschool activities are pretty much what they would have been pre-COVID, including dance, Spanish and religious school, but now they’re all completely online. Smartly, she and a dance-class pal are making the most of the pleasant Fall weather by bringing an iPad outside and participating in the class together, masked and socially distanced of course!

Teacher and student engagement seems to be on par with pre-pandemic times, although it’s no surprise this young student misses hanging out with her friends during recess, at lunch, and before and after school. FaceTime with friends has had to suffice for the most part, although she does get to play, COVID-safe, with her best friend and her cousin. Mom and Dad, both educators who work remotely and within earshot of their daughter’s classroom, says distance learning has given them both the chance to observe their daughter’s teacher up close. As Mom notes, “I’m impressed with her classroom management and with the surprising amount of 1:1 engagement with students,” given the digital format.

This bright and affable 3rd grader was quick to note several upsides of going to school from home: being able to watch TV during breaks…being responsible for getting her own snacks…having more time to practice drawing (she does an impressive hand!)…and learning a lot about technology. “I even taught my friends how to do a screen shot!”

When asked to give distance learning a thumbs up or thumbs down, she wisely opted for sideways: “I’m taking school seriously, but it doesn’t actually feel real. I have to say I’m not thrilled, but I’m making the best of it.”

7th Grade Twins -- Private Elementary School, Berkeley, CA

If going into 7th grade isn’t hard enough, imagine doing it at home -- with your twin! That’s the case for these 7th grade fraternal twins whose private junior high school is 100% online. Not surprisingly, the downside to learning at home is the lack of privacy and independence they would have had if school were in session. But on the upside, the house is big enough that they can “go to school” far enough apart that it mitigates any potential problems with digital feedback and personal distraction. And it helps to have a sibling around when there’s a technical glitch!

From an academic perspective, things are going pretty well for both 7th graders. One in particular said she “really likes having my own time to do my work.” While both kids feel students have about the same amount of material and homework as they did last year, I was impressed that they recognize that distance learning requires a lot more work for teachers -- and they definitely noticed the improvement in their teachers’ facility with the technology versus last Spring.

Two of their favorite and most engaging online classes are art and humanities. “It helps that we can share our drawings and writings online” with classmates. Physical Education? Not so much. “PE is so much harder online. Not everyone has the same resources at home -- and the teacher doesn’t seem to have mastered the technology.”

Perhaps because it’s a small school and it’s harder for students to get lost in the shuffle, they feel teachers “are doing a good job of keeping kids engaged.” Teachers aren’t requiring that every student have their video on during class. While most students do, some do not.

Socially, however, the twins feel isolated and “miss going to school and seeing our friends.” This is developmentally right on for this age group. To compensate, they’ve created a social bubble with another friend - and being able to “hang out in person really helps.” As do virtual “hangouts” on Google. But nothing can substitute for the sense of independence 7th graders get to practice and enjoy when school is in session.

These two are particularly fortunate that their private school offers rich exploratory options for extra-curricular engagement, with classes like GPS globetrotting and comic book art. Non-school activities include baseball and horseback riding, both fun exercise options, and they’re finding remote piano and guitar lessons work surprisingly well on line.

Overall, these two are pretty happy “but regular school is better!” Recently they had their school pictures taken outside in a park across the street from the school; having that experience “was nice and felt somewhat normal.”

Sadly, it could be awhile before “normal” is back.

Freshman, Public High School, Chicago, IL

Freshman year is completely online for this high school newcomer. All classes are conducted on a digital video platform, but once teachers present the content and homework is assigned, they typically allow kids to do work the remainder of the period and check in as needed.

While teachers are having real expectations of students this Fall, in this freshman’s experience, interaction with them “is pretty minimal.” Students are free to email teachers and can ask questions during class, of course. But without the informal connections before and after class, “it feels harder to get to know them and for them to know and see me.” For this over-achieving young teen, that’s a tough spot to be in.

Academically, math seems to transfer online most successfully, “but probably because it’s less discussion-based -- and I have a great teacher.” AP Human Geography, on the other hand, isn’t going as well because the massive amount of information presented on a flat screen makes it harder for him to stay focused.

“The best thing about remote learning is the freedom to choose when you do something,” he says. “I can use the time after the teacher presents to reach out to a friend in the same class to discuss something, do work for that class or another, take a snack break or check in with my teacher and ask a question.”

But as distance learning gives…it also takes away.

“The worst thing is the inability to freely interact with one another. Exchanging contact information with classmates is challenging because we’re not allowed to post our phone numbers. We can email, but that’s not really the way my generation connects.” Plus, as a freshman in a new school, the digital format makes it hard to assess people when “you only see them as a 1” x1” face on a Zoom call -- and that’s if they have their video on.”

The one bright spot socially for this freshman is lunch period, which provides a touchstone…a chance to call a friend and connect more personally. “It would be nice to have more opportunities for connecting with other freshmen -- like Google Chat assignments.”

This particular high school wasn’t great about advertising afterschool clubs either. A virtual club fair was held, but it was sparse because many club presidents who were asked to create videos… didn’t. He has basically joined clubs he learned about through friends who are upper classmen. At this school, social engagement relies heavily on a freshman’s initiative and confidence -- which can be a lot to ask, developmentally.

Note to teachers: schools would do well to provide activities that create chances for more normative social interactions for kids other than email.

Senior, Private high school, New York, NY

This senior transferred to a new private school for his senior year and is “really motivated to do well this trimester because I want to get into a good college.” He says he definitely finds it more challenging to engage with teachers remotely, but he’s “making a concerted effort and showing the right attitude.”

Most of his Zoom classes are live, although some are pre-recorded, which students can watch on their own timetable. He particularly likes learning from home because he can go to school from anywhere. In fact, when I interviewed him he was in California for a week living with a family friend and studying from there.

The downside of distance learning, he says, is that it can be harder to stay engaged. Overall, he finds “the work has been easier for me because everything is in one place. I’m not moving from class to class and having to track assignments.”

It’s interesting to note that in both “live” and distance learning, it’s the student’s facility with the material and the quality of the teacher that are the strongest predictors of enjoyment and achievement. Unlike the freshman above, this student feels math class translates the worst online, but he admits that may be because it’s his most challenging subject. History class, with lectures, assigned readings, and question-and-answer sessions is going much better.

Surprisingly, even though he’s a transfer student, this senior is connecting to his classmates via social media. Perhaps that reflects his self confidence, developmental readiness or just fewer restraints this private school places on kids posting personal information like cell phone numbers.

When the trimester began, this school’s plan was that students would be learning remotely until November 3, when students will return to school at least part time. As with all plans related to the pandemic, however, expectations are fluid and subject to change depending on infection rates. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan.

So there you have it -- straight from the mouths of the students themselves. Thanks to all of the students who shared their insights with me and you!

How Parents can Mitigate their Back-to-School Concerns

“School is all I think about” -- the subject line of a recent NYT parenting email -- perfectly sums up the collective angst around the coming school year for just about every parent I know.

In fact, how to manage what’s next academically has been one of the top concerns on my clients’ minds since April, when I first broached the subject of what parents can do to manage uncertainty during the pandemic.

Five months in, uncertainty is still the watchword when it comes to back-to-school season, from pre-schoolers to the college bound, leaving parents to make their best decisions given the profusion of ever-changing data.

First, there’s the new research out of the Children’s Hospital of Chicago that indicates higher viral loads in young children than previously thought. Complicating the picture, a study in Australia demonstrates “extremely limited” transmission in New South Wales educational settings during the first wave of COVID-19. Science magazine reported on a study that indicates that rampant screening of the whole population is a key to safely reopen schools and business. The latest guidance from the CDC, sadly influenced by politics, hasn’t changed since July 23, even given the new studies. And tragically, while a spotlight has been shined on how to protect children in abusive or neglectful homes for whom school is a lifeline, (20% of reports to child protective services come from educational personnel), a nationwide solution remains elusive.

For most parents, the choice of how to return to the classroom has been made for them. As of August 6th, 17 of the 20 largest school districts in the country have chosen to exclusively educate their students online. Other districts are still finalizing their approach. What still remains unknown is how districts are addressing the deficits in technology hardware and access that remain unaddressed for a number of students.

Those are just some of the large systemic issues that education writ large is facing. Closer to home, there are a number of concerns keeping us parents up at night. But with planning and presence, parents can mitigate them.

1.    Risk of exposure to the coronavirus for staff and students.

Either by school-district mandate or personal choice, many parents are opting for online-only education for their elementary and high-school aged kids largely because it is the safest bet, even though it runs counter to advice from some pediatric experts.

The latest data about young kids and COVID-19 hugely impacts parents of pre-schoolers and rising kindergarteners -- particularly if these youngsters and their parents are in regular contact with elderly or immune-compromised people. If sending young children to in-person schools or preschools, parents need to give little ones lots of practice wearing masks for extended periods of time now so it becomes routinized come Day 1. And if your children are washing their hands as much as they ought to be, keep a special eye out for peeling, rashes and cracking and tend to them daily.

Understanding school rules and expectations for in-person learning will help you prepare your kids and keep them and their teachers safe. Not traveling to hot spots and practicing smart social distancing for two weeks in advance of returning to school is vital, as is continued vigilance.

2.     Academic engagement and rigor.

Amid the chaos of the abrupt transition to distance learning this past March, many pedagogical principles took a back seat. So did teacher expectations of students. But come September, that will hopefully change now that teachers have flattened the distance-learning curve and have had time to plan.

That’s not to say that there won’t be variation in teacher preparedness. If you don’t feel the online classroom is challenging enough (or if you have other concerns), bring it to the attention of the teacher and/or administration, as you would have in the past. School staff may be remote, but they remain accountable for their work. Your kids will be learning from home, but they aren’t being educated in a vacuum.

If your child’s achievement is a concern, an effective strategy to alleviate online hurdles is to recall what worked -- and didn't work -- about distance learning for your particular children and put tweaks in place to address the discrepancies. For example, if in the Spring you were quick to jump in when your middle-schoolers struggled with an online assignment, take a more encouraging-but-hands-off approach so they can get better at independent learning.

When school is ‘live’, there are many built-in cues to help kids anticipate what was coming next, which actually prepared them for better learning. Students (of all ages) respond favorably to structure, so build routine into your children’s school day, especially if the online learning isn’t synchronous.  A huge help in this regard is a weekly family meeting. These gatherings don’t just let everyone know what to expect in the coming week, they also give kids and parents alike a chance to learn from missteps and contribute to family harmony. After you create your family’s daily or weekly schedule, hang it in a highly trafficked spot in your home. There are numerous examples on-line.

example taken from caps.k12.va.us

acps.k12.va.us

Remember that many children will find themselves without the necessary resources to succeed and are much more vulnerable at this time. If you are a parent with resources to spare, find local organizations and donate!

3.  Social-emotional engagement of students with both teachers and peers.

As with most things related to children, the short- and long-term impact of decreased social and emotional engagement due to the pandemic depends on your kids’ personality. I know some students who prefer online connection that have actually flourished during the pandemic, both personally and academically.

Others, who thrive on in-person social engagement, as well as some only children, may be suffering. The last thing you want to happen is for your child to be in pain -- or learn to hate school solely because of the isolation of distance learning. As parents, this is the time to figure what works for your kid yet keeps your family within your coronavirus comfort level.

One strategy is to find someone who can act as a big brother or big sister…a combination tutor and playmate…who can engage with your child in a way that produces both a feeling of connection and positive learning outcomes.

Another idea is to do what many families did over the course of the summer and expand your individual family circle with one or two other families with like-minded protective practices to create a multiple-family pod. Pods help alleviate the extreme isolation of the pandemic while providing their kids with playmates who can keep them company during the school year -- even if they aren’t in the same class.

Child-teacher engagement, a vital contributor to effective learning, is obviously more difficult when learning is both distant and asynchronous. A fair number of schools are planning a hybrid of synchronous and asynchronous teaching so kids can have engagement with teachers; it also guards against digital burnout.

Yes, child-teacher engagement is more challenging when learning is remote, but it’s also an opportunity for older kids to be guided to self-advocate for their needs by setting up communication strategies that work for both teacher and student. Even younger kids, aided by parents, can email teachers and request some one-on-one time.

In either case, be thoughtful and empathic about your expectations of teachers. After all, they are most likely facing the same challenges of full-time work and helping their kids learn from home as you are!

4.    Keeping kids physically active.

I hear this concern from my clients all the time. My point of view is that this is one area when parents need to step in and set clear boundaries and expectations. Being healthy (don’t make it about weight or appearance) is a family value that parents need to model every day.

A multitude of articles from credible medical sources speak to the importance of physical activity during the pandemic because it reduces stress, improves cardio-vascular health, boosts the immune system and improves sleep.

So what to do? Make it a priority by clearly building it into your weekly family calendar. During your family meetings, brainstorm fresh exercise ideas to try each week. Online are a slew of free apps many with virtual classes that require little space or special equipment. Exercise as a family (or pod) with bike rides, dance parties, jogs around the block and “team” sports. Make it a challenge by giving family members who reach weekly exercise goals an award. Embrace new activities and encourage your older kids to research the myriad options available on-line.

5.    Preparing kids for the “new normal.”

Whether school is online, remote or a mash-up, things are going to be very different come September. It is essential that parents contact schools in advance to find out what is being planned so you can prepare your children.

If your kids are actually going to school for in person learning, they need to know in advance that there will be dramatic changes. Parents will no longer be walking their little ones into the school. Once inside, there will be fewer students and staff in the classroom, where desks will likely be 6 feet apart. Mandatory hand washing will be the norm. Teachers will be the ones moving from classroom to classroom; students will stay put. Hallways will be one-way. Lunch will be at your desk. Recess will be closely monitored to maintain social distancing. Masks will be worn by everyone.  

Even distance learning will “feel” different than it did this past Spring, when the transition was abrupt and unplanned. In the first days and weeks of the school year in particular, set aside time to talk to your children about what felt different and what they liked and didn’t like. Stay on top of your kids’ anxieties -- and your own -- and get the support you need to accommodate them.

4.    Continuing impact on parents’ personal and professional lives.

This is a huge issue -- especially for parents of school-aged kids. If you’re lucky enough to have a co-parent, success starts by collaborating with your partner.

Talk to one another about how you’ll share responsibilities, drawing on the best of what you did in the Spring. If you’re lucky enough to be working remotely, talk to your boss about maintaining flexibility; fortunately, most bosses are likely to be prepared for these conversations. Make the necessary adjustments within your team as well. If team meetings have been on Monday mornings at 8 during the summer, suggest they occur mid-morning, so parents can help kids settle into their distance-learning routine.

Life is always harder for single parents, working or not. Single parents need to come up with a cohort to share the responsibility. If extended family isn’t available, send a note to others on the block to seek like-minded parents who will join a pod that provides a safety net for parents and support for kids.

For all working parents, one strategy that works extremely well is to create a red-yellow-green sign that indicates a working parent’s availability. Red means “please wait” (unless there’s blood, of course!) yellow means “enter if it can’t wait until [insert time]” and green means “come on in.” Don’t overuse the red if you want the system honored.

You can also set up a low drawer with healthy snacks and water that kids can help themselves to during the day. Let older kids have a little more responsibility for their younger siblings. I’ll give you that parents in previous generations gave older siblings too much responsibility, but nowadays parents are loathe to give them much at all. Do it anyway; kids are capable of much more than we give them credit for.

Most importantly, make the time for your and your partner to have the personal and shared time you need to put yourselves and your relationship first. When you make yourselves a priority through parental self-care, you can trust the rest will fall into place.

These are extremely challenging times for parents and families. You won’t find me saying they’re not. And success requires plenty of planning, resilience -- and a hefty sense of humor. No parent is going to do it perfectly. But as parents around the globe are facing the same challenge, we will have lots of company.

Then there’s this: I believe parents who live by and model their shared values will find the going a little easier simply because they know what they’re doing is the best possible thing for their kids given the extraordinary circumstances.

Let’s get started…I think I hear the bell!

p.s.  I’ll address college students in a post coming very soon! If you have questions in the meantime, email danahirtparenting@gmail.com.

Pandemic Parenting - A Pause to Say Bravo!

Parenting during a pandemic is like nothing parents have ever had to face.

The dangers of the coronavirus led to a lockdown, working remotely, homeschooling, addressing our kids’ compounding disappointments, at-home-summer-camp coordination -- not to mention monitoring regular hand-washing, masks and social distancing. Altogether, it’s been over four months of unparalleled stress. If your kids are still upright at the end of each day, you have done an outstanding job. No question about it.

So at this mid-summer juncture, I wanted to simply say Bravo, Parents! 

In truth, I have been blown away by my clients’ and other parents’ resilience during the last four months. I’ve heard (and experienced) just how hard it is to do one’s paying job while managing all the extra roles parents have had to take on  -- and this goes doubly for parents of young and school-aged kids. More disheartening, every parent has had to deal with the uncertainty, ambiguity and fear about how long this situation might last, feelings that sometimes permeate every (sometimes-unending) day.

In talking to parents, several approaches that have been especially helpful have repeated themselves with regularity:

·      A literal change of scenery, if resources allow…or a virtual shift in daily / weekly activities if you’re unable to leave home

·      A resurgence of and increase in family meetings, so that every member of the family can get involved and buy into helping the family thrive despite the difficulties

·      Cooperating and creating opportunities for family engagement versus pointing fingers at who’s not doing what

·      Preparing and eating at least one meal a day as a family

·      Relinquishing some of the 100% hands-on care we wrongly think a “good” parent always provides

Still, I have to acknowledge that even these things don’t make the problems related to the coronavirus go away or give us a sense of what the future holds, which is the thing we and our children are craving most.

For parents, “not knowing” is probably one of the biggest challenges of the pandemic. After all, parents are accustomed to coming up with solutions to the constant flow of problems life and kids throw our way, but at this moment we have no control over what happens outside our homes -- even though it affects us profoundly. We can’t control the virus. We can’t control government mandates. We can’t make plans that our kids can count on. There are tons of what-ifs.

Given all this stress and uncertainty, every parent is experiencing burnout and major COVID fatigue. That’s why I invite every parent to make sure taking care of yourself is at the very top of your list each day. Try using these suggestions or craft some techniques that work for you:

·      Mindfulness / Meditation / Deep breathing (include the kids if you can)

·      Regular exercise and outside time

·      Consistent bedtime / wake-up schedules

·      Color…listen to music…rock in a rocking chair or hammock -- anything that is self-soothing

·      Limit multi-tasking

·      REPEAT daily…and at any point when you become anxious about the uncertainty of it all

Most important, give yourselves a pat on the back for all you and your family have weathered these last four months.

As each week has passed -- without being conscious of it -- your family has been writing the story of your resilience during an exceptional time in human history. So take a few minutes during a quiet time and jot down some memories of your family’s COVID chapter. Write down the things you’ve accomplished against enormous odds. Take the time to note the things that worked and even those that didn’t. Reflect on what your kids have learned -- and the surprisingly things you’ve learned about them as they’ve weathered their COVID experience.

Above all, acknowledge that while you may not have done it perfectly, you’ve survived and your family is intact and perhaps even thriving in some ways. You’ve been great. So please, revel in it.

The next chapter is just ahead.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Racism

When the magnitude of racism erupts throughout society, as it has since the violent deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, you can bet that kids will have copious questions and challenging feelings. Given that the public outcry is as widespread and politicized and combustible as it is now…their questions and feelings will be even more pressing and troubling.

As parents, our job is to engage our children in conversations that are direct, age-appropriate and fact- and values-based. Here are 3 key areas in which to anchor your approach:

·      Awareness - being open to learning and speaking honestly and factually about race in America

·      Acknowledgement - validating your children’s feelings (and your own)

·      Action - defining ways your family can work toward creating a more just and equitable world

Let’s start with awareness.

For white parents, educating ourselves about racism isn’t about being reactive or expressing our outrage. It means learning about and facing the systemic oppression and institutionalized inequities that have favored whites and subjugated blacks.

Hard truths, to be sure, but truth nonetheless. That’s job #1. Once we have educated ourselves and confronted our own feelings, we will be more adept at helping our children. It’s critical to understand that our education is ongoing. Part of my personal journey to awareness has been acknowledging all that I do not know or understand and committing to learn more.

Job #2 is ensuring that talking about racism, as well as the value of diversity, becomes an ongoing family conversation.

In black families, these discussions have been happening for decades because to raise a black child in America is to raise them in a world that generally treats them as suspect. Plus, black parents know that the larger society isn’t structured to instill pride in and empower black children, so they must take on that task themselves.

In white families -- where privilege is conferred simply by virtue of skin color -- parents need to foster ongoing dialogue about how the differences between people doesn’t confer different value about people. Actually, scholars say such talk should start when kids are preschoolers. Too early, you might think? Far from it. As I pointed out in a post on teaching the value of diversity, studies reveal that kids as young as 4 demonstrate a marked bias regarding skin color and gender even when they themselves are from a minority group.

But the type of dialogue that’s required now that we’re in the crucible of racial unrest is different.

So let’s talk the present-day importance of hearing and acknowledging your kids’ experiences.

It bears repeating that parents need to reinforce your family’s values about equality. And if there is unrest or rioting going on where you live, it’s important to reassure your kids that you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.

Naturally, our kids’ ages dictates the tenor of how these conversations unfold. My young-adult children who are quarantining with me during the pandemic are outraged about current events, and we have had deep and wide-ranging discussions about our complicity in the social construct of racism and our privilege.

Teens, who come to family discussions with an arsenal of information garnered from social media, are often eager to share their insights and experiences with parents and siblings. Their viewpoint, while age-appropriately naïve, should still be respected and, when necessary, challenged by your broader perspective. In other words, don’t pretend to be an expert on race relations but do provide historical and other context when appropriate. And remember, when parents share our own feelings of frustration and despair, kids feel safer to share theirs too.

With school-aged kids and younger, who may have heard or seen the news but are much less capable of processing it, the role of the parent as child advocate becomes most crucial.

In an earlier post on helping kids cope with violent events, I said that the most important job of parents before having a discussion about societal violence is to find out what your kids already know. In the current situation, if they are aware that something bad happened to black people but haven’t seen the video of the officer’s knee on Mr. Floyd’s neck or images of protestors being dispersed with tear gas, you can decide the specifics of what you share.

Jacqueline Douge, MD, a Maryland pediatrician and child advocate, suggests that because kids understand the concept of fairness, they will understand when you explain that what happened is that black and brown people were treated unfairly simply because of the color of their skin.

And with school-aged and younger kids, be especially mindful of your conversations with other adults within earshot of little ones, and be mindful of their exposure to explicit media reports and images.

Now let’s address action. This is an every-family-member-on-deck practice. And like family conversations about equality and racism, action also needs to be ongoing.

With young kids, parents can talk about how to act on the playground and what to do if they witness kids of color being bullied or ignored. Parents can be more inclusive when it comes to birthday parties or other kid celebrations. Teens can identify where their behavior with peers can be improved and how they might foster discussion among their friends or even school-wide. As a family, you might discuss where to donate money if you have the resources, as well as where and how to volunteer and work toward unity. Families that have businesses might consider donating a percentage of their sales to organizations that fight inequality. I know many of us are overwhelmed with feelings; many of us are unsure what to do. I don’t have all of the answers. I just know that action matters. Take time to become more aware; find ways to acknowledge your experience; do not fail to act. We all have to be a part of the solution in whatever lane we choose.

For parents looking for resources for family discussions about race and current events, I highly recommend these:

·      The National Museum of African American History & Culture’s online guide to “Talking About Race” includes a special section for parents and caregivers

·      The New York Times recently published an article highlighting books for parents and kids of all ages to “help start the conversation” at home

·      Child Mind Institute has a live conversation on Facebook about how parents can talk to kids about racism and violence  

How to Craft a DIY Safe, Fun (& Resilient) COVID Summer

In my last post -- presuming that 2020 would not be summer as usual -- I advised parents to think “what if”, evaluate your risk tolerance and turn to your tribe to lay the groundwork for when summertime decision time arrived.

Well…it’s here.

While a number of states are cautiously reopening, some parents have  already decided that it feels too risky for them to have their kids away from home in any capacity this summer. Other parents, who had hoped the kids could still attend their annual camp, are just now hearing about 2020 closings or deciding against the relatively restrictive and rather un-camp-like CDC guidelines for summer camps.

As a result, both working and stay-at-home parents are surrendering to the idea that summer 2020 is going to be a DIY project for the whole family.

But first, there are feelings to be shared. Lots of feelings.

As the pandemic morphed from the early days of uncertainty to weeks of cancellations and shut-downs, children of all ages have had to endure an unending string of disappointments in a very short period of time. Even so, there remained the hope that “maybe” the virus would be contained by summer and they could resume some sense of normalcy.

Now that has been taken from them too.

The result? Kids are grieving -- and need their parents to help them navigate yet another loss.

Over and over in my blog, I’ve talked about how parents can help kids feel seen and validated, whatever their feelings. The “guidance” is even more important during COVID:

·      Give kids space to share their frustration and anger without criticizing or judging

·      Acknowledge the depth of their disappointment and grief; don’t minimize it

·      Validate their feelings and be empathic

·      Take the opportunity to teach (or remind) them that feelings are fluid and don’t last forever

·      Reassure them that you’re confident they will get through it

·      Let them know they can come to you whenever their negative feelings resurface or flare up

·      Provide the wider perspective of the global experience and their relative privilege  

·      Help them shift their focus to the things they can control  

As a parent coach and educational therapist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t call out the huge side benefit of helping kids manage their negative emotions due to the pandemic -- and that’s strengthening their resilience in the face of obstacles.

And as famed author and parenting pro Julie Lythcott-Haims points out, “Maybe this is an opportunity for children to reclaim some of the very best aspects of childhood that we’ve paved over with enrichment programs.” Indeed.

Even with those upsides, the question remains: what are the options for kids this summer now that baseball games, camp, pools, sleepovers, amusement parks and all the other traditional activities of summertime are no longer part of the equation?

One thing’s for sure. Some of the best answers for how to spend Summer 2020 will emerge by giving our kids a leading role. In fact, giving children a sense of responsibility and ownership over their summer is yet another resilience- and creativity-building process. Not to mention, giving kids agency over hot to craft a fun summer translates to the type of buy-in that money and pleading just can’t buy.

A family meeting is a great place to start the brainstorming. With the oldest child or a parent acting as the scribe, let your kids imagine how they might turn their favorite summertime activities into things they can safely do at home. Suggest weekly themes to riff off of. Explore online classes and virtual activities. Schedule a camping weekend in your backyard. Add a hefty dose of DIY opportunities. Build in a variety of skill-learning options -- with end-of-summer prizes and awards. Allow for some screen and reading time, too.

And be prepared for meltdowns, frustration and the “growth opportunity” that frustration will bring (including your own!).

I’m not suggesting that creating a bespoke summer camp will be a cakewalk -- nor do I for a second underestimate the enormous logistics effort required to get kids signed up, supplies bought and guardrails put in place. Yet I maintain that the pandemic offers parents the chance to acknowledge the profound loss for the entire family -- and to project the confidence that as a family, you’ll get through it.

There are tons of resources online - almost too many. So I’ve compiled a short list of options (see below), that run the gamut from camp-in-a-box deliveries to DIY projects for all ages to interactive virtual camps on subjects from fashion to ocean science to get you started. Many are offering discounts due to the pandemic and several are free.

Summer is here, whether we are ready or not; if you need support, I’m here.

SUMMER 2020 Online Resources

activityhero.com  Hub for live interactive classes and camps including fashion, cooking, coding, ocean science and more for kids of all ages.

camp.wonderopolis.org   FREE online summer-learning destination.

connectedcamps.com   Founded by three “girls geeks,” this nonprofit focuses on the positive potential of tech. Game design and architecture largely through Minecraft platform. Ages 8-17

creativebug.com   Arts and crafts activities taught through award-winning videos. 

diy.org   Clearinghouse for step-by-step video instruction on a variety of projects for kids capable of independent work. Rube goldberg machines, drawing demos, sewing activities and more.

idtech.com   Virtual weeklong tech camps + online private lessons in coding, STEM, game development, etc. Ages 7+.  

https://www.musicinst.org. Music Institue of Chicago. Private lessons and groups K-12, beginners on up. Musical theater camps and teaching how to play an instrument.

https://www.nashvillechildrenstheatre.org   Fully integrated and interactive online theater classes -- including online productions -- for ages 8-18.

mycampbox.com    Joys and crafts of summer camp delivered to your doorstep. Interactive elements including Campfire Chats via Zoom. Ages 6+.

outschool.com   Fun, social and safe online learning experiences over live video for kids 3-18.

ctd.northwestern.edu   Center for Talent Development at Northwestern is offering online opportunities for kids from pre-school through high school.

unicoistudio.com   “Together we Camp” art projects to go plus live virtual classes.

varsitytutors.com    Week long camps. K-12. 1 hour live daily classes taught by celebrity instructors.

wideopenschool.org   A FREE online learning resource hub for all ages, including virtual field trips.

What's Next? Planning a COVID-19 Summer

Just as parents the world over were coming to grips with the reality that school would be virtual for the rest of the academic year, a new unknown loomed: What will summer look like in the midst of a worldwide pandemic?

This much we can assume -- it will not be summer as usual.

The sad fact is the virus isn’t going away. The science on whether or not summertime heat will “quiet” the virus is inconclusive at best. Even the once-promising impact of antibody testing isn’t a guarantee that we will be safe from reinfection or from infecting others. Nor can we predict what local or state restrictions will be. In short - we’re not going to get a green-light reprieve from the confines and challenges of the current situation.

So now what?

First, remember you’re not alone. Every parent and family is facing the same uncertainties and worries about how to maintain family health and unity throughout the summer in these unprecedented times. The not-so-good news is that no one delivers a one-size-fits-all solution that will make the questions of what to do this summer fall neatly into place. Each family’s plan needs to be individualized to fit your unique circumstances and needs.

What I offer is a template for what to be thinking about so you will be better equipped to create a new version of summer this year.

1.     Take a deep breath. I know I am not alone in craving normalcy. Take a moment to digest the additional potential losses for yourself and your children. Camp, summer travel, summer jobs, etc. Each new loss can compound feelings of despair and heighten anxiety. Acknowledge this reality, but don’t allow it to keep your from the next steps.

2. Don’t wait to start strategizing. Don’t put your head in the sand in hopes that a cure or vaccine will make your what-if planning unnecessary. Compared to our old lives, the world could remain shut down -- including social distancing and stay-at-home orders -- for a couple more weeks or months. Make it a priority to think through various what-if scenarios with your partner, co-parent and/or family and close friends.

3.     Assess your financial situation. If both parents are lucky enough to still have jobs, will one of you need to take a leave from work if your risk tolerance precludes sending kids to childcare or if summer camps don’t open? If you are a single working parent and don’t have the option of not working, what, if any, sources of outside income or support can you call upon?

4.     Assess your risk tolerance. What are your feelings about being part of the first wave of workers returning to an office setting? If either or both parents are called back to work in an office setting, are you willing to take the risk of possible exposure to the virus or do you need to negotiate with your boss about continuing to work remotely?

As far as kids are concerned, are you comfortable sending children to childcare centers, camps or park districts this summer?

5.     If you’re divorced, talk with your co-parent. Managing children between two households can be tough in normal times. Be sure to have a frank conversation about your respective needs and obligations over the summer with your co-parent. Utilize a mediator if necessary.

6.     Contact your daycare centers and summer-camps.

The CDC has already issued guidelines for daycare centers. If your particular daycare center closed now but is reopening this summer, ask hard questions about their cleaning regimens and other plans to keep children safe. If they don’t have one this far into the crisis, consider investigating other providers.

If you’ve already registered your kids for summer camps, call and find out if they are strategizing options for families such as Camp-in-a-Box or other virtual experiences. Some camps may open depending on geography, so find out if they are instituting precautions such as limiting the number of children per group.

Parents of teens scheduled to work as camp counselors this summer also need to consider their tolerance for risk, as well as what to do if your teen gets the virus.

Many summer camps (local or sleep-away) are awaiting final CDC guidelines. Be sure to sign up for weekly CDC updates via newsletter.

7.     Look to your tribe. It’s virtually impossible to maintain the existing scenario of being a full-time caregiver and maintain a full-time career. Since every family is going to need help, what is your tolerance for widening your quarantine circle? Can you bring parents, siblings or other close relatives into your orbit to help? What about neighborhood resources? Can parents help homebound teens on your block create a safe local version of “summer camp”?

As the pandemic has unfolded, I’ve spoken with many parents -- of both single and multiple children -- who are immensely concerned about the negative impact of ongoing social isolation on their kids. I hear the concerns -- and empathize completely. But children truly are resilient -- as long as parents remain engaged with them throughout this ordeal.

Expose them to what’s happening in the world and take advantage of the many teaching opportunities the pandemic offers. Provide lessons in empathy and community engagement by helping them sew masks to distribute or send thank-you cards to essential workers or isolated seniors. Help them gain essential skills like cooking, proper housecleaning and planting a garden. Engage their bodies and guard their mental health by building lots of physical activity and movement into their days (and yours!). Above all, be there when they need to vent or cry or express their feelings about their seemingly dashed end-of-school and summer plans. Be compassionate about the losses they are experiencing even as you practice gratitude for good health, resources, etc.

As absolutely tough as this is -- on every one of us -- I firmly believe families can and will recover. COVID-19 is offering an unsolicited master-class in resilience. Now is the time to start to think about what’s next for yourself and your family.